Paul VanCleave of JP Party Rentals is standing next to his pickup truck early the next morning.

Beaming.

“We specialize in unique and exciting inflatables and concession items. We’ve been in business about three years.”

Great. Good to know. But here you are in Urbandale in the early morning with a pickup full of candy and water. Are you a crazy man?

“This year we wanted to be part of the Urbandale Fourth of July parade. We wanted to be a part of the community.”

VanCleve gives me an even wider smile. ”We’re just excited to be a part of the celebration.”

And I am excited to see him.

I walk further up the street.

This next trailer full of candy is obviously a parade-induced hallucination.

Larry Rogers and Chris Good are with Iowa Auto Repair, the business responsible for the screams of delight from the million kids lining the Urbandale parade route.

“We’ve been in business 36 years and we’ve been doing the parade for 30 odd years. This year we are pushing almost a half million pieces of candy.” Rogers says this with barely suppressed glee.

“Bigger every year,” chimes in Chris Good.

They are both so enthusiastic that I wonder if these two mature men got permission from their parents to be here.

“This trailer was built by my business partner 24 years ago,” Rogers says. “It gets used only for the parade. After 24 years it has only about 200 miles on it.”

No kidding? But really, do you enjoy this year after year with the heat and the yelling and the glare of newly-polished concrete streets?

“Nothing like it,” says a proud Chris Good.  “This is like our Christmas,” echoes Larry Rogers.

Larry and Chris. Chris and Larry.

And off they march, trailing candidates running for various offices, young dancers with spider-like balloons hooked to their backs, and a truck that pulls portable toilets.

As I stand on the sidelines, I notice three women cheering next to me. Well, two women cheer. The third woman-to-be sits in her mom’s arms . . . with a fistful of candy.

 “We’ve been coming for 35 years. Three generations are here today.” Kristin Howard says proudly.

Have either of you ever marched in the parade?

Laughter — apparently that is a silly question.

Mallory, Kristin’s daughter fills me in. “We’re laughing because we’ve actually been in the parade for years with the Urbandale High School swim team and then with the Urbandale High School Band for my brother.”

“And you marched with baton and gymnastics,” adds Kristin.

“About 10 years worth of marching,” Mallory sums up.

And given the smallest member of this group, who refuses to release her candy while in her mother’s arms, I don’t believe their marching days are near done.

Ah, there’s the red-nosed clown and the ringing of church bells.The parade comes to an end.

Everyone packs up their blankets and lawn chairs and coolers of water. Small children carry full bags of candy that drag behind them on the ground. Neighbors laugh and talk and wave goodbye.

I walk home on the now-quiet street, bending now and then to retrieve a forgotten piece of candy, and smiling for no reason at all.

Joe

“The guys running this restaurant are from Hyderabad, India.”

Now you just have to wait for it, folks. There’s always more. His mind is sparking and firing and making connections. Wait, wait, wait . . .

“Hyderabad is to India, food-wise, what Parma is to Italy and Lyon is to France and Barcelona is to Spain. It’s where it happens. Osaka to Japan is probably the best example of all. Osaka — you were forbidden royal pleasures or military pleasures, so the only thing to spend money on was food and entertainment. And therefore that’s where it happened.”

What just happened?

Jim Duncan happened.

As I sit with him eating Indian food, I am not surprised that the conversation, in just a few sentences, travels from Des Moines to India to France to Spain to Italy, and then somehow ends up in Japan. This is just Duncan’s mind at work. Connections teased together over a life of travel and stories and writing.

And if you wait a bit, his sly humor will sneak in the door.

So, you graduated from Roosevelt High School?

“I never got anything but A’s at Roosevelt. I got screwed. I had a perfect grade point. I took the toughest courses, and yet I ended up seventh in my class. Tied for first, but they rated me seventh.”

And . . . ?

“They justified it as a character issue,” he says with just the ghost of a smile.

Of course he has character issues! Duh. It’s why I’m sitting there with him.

And if you look closely, usually on the edges of his columns, this same understated, self-deprecating humor eventually appears.

“Growing up in Des Moines during the 1950s and ’60s, I graduated from college before I knew what an avocado tasted like. Ashamed that I did not know what this fruit was when first offered one, I bit into it as if it were an apple, skin and all. I then claimed I was ‘into whole foods.’ Des Moines has changed a lot since then.” Duncan, Cityview, 2015.

Ba da bing!

A grizzled man of 71. Hat pulled down over his long hair. Glasses slightly ruffled. Gentle eyes that have no room for cynicism or negativism or pre-conceived labels. He scans past me taking in the bustling restaurant . . . my guess, he’s looking for hooks to piece together a story. A smile blossoms. Ah, he must have found someone with a story that needs telling.

Duncan has been doing this for 30 years. No kidding. Of course, in that same amount of time the Thirty Years’ War began and ended, Saturn went once around the sun, and maybe, with some luck, you paid off your 30-year mortgage.

“Twenty-five years ago, this publication began subjecting readers to the reflections of an alcoholic who had recently quit drinking. I thought that gave me an alternative point of view, and editors agreed. At that time, this paper was named Skywalker.” Jim Duncan, Cityview, 2013.

That piece of writing from five years ago was not hyperbole. He pitched Connie Wimer on a column that looked with fresh eyes at a world that was quickly changing.

“I always thought I’d be a writer. It took me a long time to actually become a writer. After high school, I only applied to one college, Harvard. And I did not get accepted, which was inconceivable. I had no plan B.”

Duncan laughs softly at his naiveté.

He ended up graduating from the University of Wisconsin. Due to the nature of his major in South Asian Studies, he spent a semester each at five different universities, and then a year in India — where he did a thesis on, of all things, variations in curry found in Indian villages separated by mere miles.

It is no surprise that after graduating he began to seriously write about food . . . and art and sports and sustainable agriculture and anything else.

“I’ve always had an interest in food. I started cooking my own meals when I was ten. I said something critical to my mom, and she said, why don’t you just do it yourself. And I did. We were both happy.”

And now you’re a food critic among other things.

“True, but I am not a traditional food critic. I have way too much sympathy for restaurant owners. It’s a brutal business without big margins. I know how hard everyone works. I don’t want to cut people down that don’t deserve it. Sometimes the kindest thing I can do is to not review a place. I want to tell our readers where they can find great food or unique food or something special.”

So, you’re a happy man, living the life you want to live?

“Well, I really wanted to be a basketball player.”

What?

“Listen, I’m always just trying to tell a good story. And I like people. What can I say? If I didn’t have stories to write, I’d know fewer people and I’d have a less rich life.”

And so would we all.

Joe

I’m all about giving lawyers a hard time. Why not? They are inherently unlikable as a group. Duh. They only appear in a crisis or to prevent a crisis or to help you cause a crisis for others.

Clearly, they are the cause of most problems and the proof is in the pudding. Whenever you are picked up for drunk driving, who’s always there? Lawyers. Whenever you want to cut your good-for-nothing son out of your will, to whom do you turn? Lawyers. When an unconstitutional law against women is passed by the Iowa legislature, who is it that sticks their noses into our business to stand up for women’s rights? Yup, you guessed it, lawyers. They must be the CAUSE of us being drunk drivers and miserly parents and for writing unconstitutional laws against women. Obviously.

But even I am a little taken back by Civic Skinny when it made fun of wannabe lawyers for not passing the Iowa bar exam. To become a lawyer in Iowa, besides going to law school and being a descent sort, you have to pass an exam.

THIS EXAM IS HORRIBLE!

It lasts days, is full of anxiety and worry, and is the culmination of studying 24-hours-a-day for two months. Not only did I take this nightmare of an exam and unbelievably pass, but for nearly 20 years I taught the sections on Criminal Law and Criminal Procedure in preparation for students to take this exam. Trust me, good students take this exam and sometimes fail. Good students take this exam and sometimes panic. Good students take this exam and sometimes just get unlucky.

FAILING THIS EXAM DOES NOT MEAN THE PERSON WILL BE A BAD LAWYER. Sorry.

My wife and I took the exam together many years ago. We were leaving after the first day and my wife asked how I did on the Contracts question.

“What Contracts question?” I said stunned. “Do you mean the Constitutional Law question?”

Yikes! Were we lucky or unlucky? We both passed. Lucky it was.

The statistics for the February exam were harsh. Of the 18 folks who took the exam for the second time,10 failed. Of the six folks who took the exam for the third time, five failed. Of the three folks who took the exam for the fourth and fifth time, all three failed. And the person who took the exam for the sixth time? Lo and behold, magic, they passed.

What does this mean?

Contrary to Civic Skinny’s observation, absolutely nothing about the lawyering skills of those that failed.

During my many years as a prosecutor, the best trial lawyer in the state of Iowa failed the bar two times. Yup.

And what does it mean to take this exam two or three or four or twenty times?

It shows dogged determination and character.

I’ll settle for that in a lawyer — even though lawyers are clearly responsible for climate change.

Joe

Dear Readers:

In case you wanted to know why I’m writing another article about Colorado . . . .

As you may know, most of my columns that you receive on my blog are published in Cityview — a great alternative newspaper in the Des Moines area that really doesn’t know what to do with me, so they just keep publishing my column under “Joe’s Neighborhood” at dmcityview.com. I also submit some of these columns to Cityview’s sister publication, Iowa Living Magazines (iowalivingmagazines.com), when an article has a particularly local emphasis. More recently, because I have a son and daughter-in-law living in Denver, Colorado, and I have to do something when I visit, I have been submitting articles to a fun Denver alternative newspaper called Westword (westword.com). This article is the most recent column that will appear in Westword this upcoming weekend.

Joe 

I do love lips. Who doesn’t? Lips can say hello or whisper goodbye. Lips can pout provocatively, turn up in derision, or whistle while you work. Lips can spit and curse and bellow with rage. Or lips can blow a kiss.

As I sit outside the Ritchie Center at the University of Denver, I think of lips. Not my own, of course, weathered by decades of self-importance and buffoonery, but the lip sculpture upon which I sit.

It turns out that an artist and faculty member at the University of Denver created the multiple sculptures that make up this exhibit. It’s described in notes from the Vicki Myhren Gallery.

“Faculty member Lawrence Argent (b.1957) completed the limestone, bronze and sound sculpture Whispers in 1999. Based on 3D digital scans of the faces of several students in Argent’s classes, its over-sized limestone and bronze lips appear closed and mute. As one approaches the sculpture, however, voices of actual lectures and public events on campus emerge softly from concealed audio speakers nearby.”

Really?

I first sat on one of these sculptures when I was lost while looking for a gym. By the way, the gym was about 10 steps away (the story of my life). However, the search for a workout was forgotten when it dawned on my razor-sharp intellect that these were lips. Sculptured. And more than one set. And I was sitting on them.

I jumped up in excitement.

And look, even smaller lips made out of black blocks sitting on top of poles.

Amazing.

And the lips are modeled from students in the artist’s class nearly 20 years ago. Wow. A student from University of Denver today could be sitting on the lips that belonged to her own mom or dad. It gives a whole new dimension to the traditional family squabble where the student is able to say to a parent, “You can kiss my $&*.” I’ve always liked a visual.

But hold on for just a second. What makes you lick your lips in anticipation?

A line snakes out to the street from where I think someone must be giving away free lottery tickets.

Nope.

Ice cream for sale. The elixir of the gods.

Little Man Ice Cream, in fact. Besides being amazing ice cream, Little Man goes a step further, according to their web page.

“For every scoop of ice cream purchased, Little Man matches that scoop with a donated scoop of rice, beans, or other essentials to a community in need anywhere around the world. To date, Little Man has delivered to communities in 9 countries spread across 4 different continents.”

Ah hah! “We are actually taking food from communities in need if we don’t order a second scoop of salted maple pecan,” I argue to my wife. She is not impressed with my sweet lawyer skills.

In any case, ice cream is something to lick with those lips.

Which brings me to my proposal for the University of Denver. They need to contact Claes Oldenburg for a small work of art. This should be quite easy. Denver already has Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen’s Big Sweep — the gigantic broom and dustpan just outside the entrance to the art museum. So, why not order the perfect mate for Argent’s oversized lips — Oldenburg’s and Van Bruggen’s giant ice cream cone.

Take their Dropped Cone in Cologne, Germany. When my wife and I turned the corner and saw this upside-down cone, we thought we might have inhaled too deeply when we visited Amsterdam. Nope, it is not a hallucination. A masterpiece right there on the building.

Clearly, a newly created relative of the Dropped Cone needs to be on Ritchie Center. It’s a no-brainer.

But the University needs to act fast. Sadly, Coosje van Bruggen has died. The Whispers creator, Lawrence Argent, has died. And Oldenburg is not a young man.

Perhaps Oldenburg and Little Man could collaborate. Why not? And every tenth scoop could go to those in ice cream need. Like myself.

Mmmm, let’s see, Raspberry Love or Chocolate Whopper?

Joe

Brad Dotson, a fellow spectator at the Roosevelt Sharks Dance The Night Away, and father of one of the Sharks, gives me a wry smile as he adds:

“This routine doesn’t always work.”

Of course it doesn’t always work. Duh. They are in a perpetual state of drowning. Please get real. This is insane.

And there it is: circle upon circle upon circle of Roosevelt High School girls with legs extended, somehow treading water, begin to collapse in the middle. And, like the name says, their bodies seem to magically all rush toward the center where they are sucked down in a splash. The Drain in action. A grand success!

The crowd erupts. They did it! The alumni women in the front lean over the railing cheering and shouting and pumping their fists in the air. Parents and students scream with delight over the loud music. And the girls? To my surprise and relief, they resurface, smile widely, and move onto the next routine.

You might know the Sharks’ performance as water ballet. Although synchronized swimming seems to be the common term. And now the 2017 governing body of FINA calls it artistic swimming.

I call it a miracle no one drowned.

FINA artistic swimming rules. From a Back Layout Position the knees are drawn toward the chest, with toes at the surface to assume a Tub Position. The knees are straightened to assume a Surface Ballet Leg Double Position. 

Listen, I can’t swim. Sorry. Three thousand lessons. Wonderful instructors. Pressure from my very buoyant children and wife to become an adult swimmer. It doesn’t matter. I just have a certain affinity for the bottom of a pool. I jump in, sink to the bottom, and feel right at home.

But not these girls.

According to the brochure, the Roosevelt Sharks are “the oldest high school synchronized swimming club in the nation.” Founded in 1926, they are swimming toward their first 100 years. Amazing.

Olivia Dotson, a junior at Roosevelt High School, survives the performance and meets up with me at a coffee shop.

“Okay, if your hands are in the air and you’re not moving and you’re in deep water, why doesn’t anyone call 911?”

Olivia smiles graciously.

“So, when you’re arms are in the air there’s this thing called the Eggbeater. It’s kind of like treading water 2.0. You have to get this circular movement with your legs down very precisely. Our team is made up of a lot of swimmers and we do a lot of practicing. After you go over it again and again and again, you get it.”

I’m not fooled. I suspect 10 girls go into the pool to practice the Eggbeater and only five walk out.

FINA artistic swimming rules. A Thrust is executed to a Vertical Position. Maintaining maximum height the legs are split rapidly to assume an Airborne Split Position and rejoin to a Vertical Position, followed by a Vertical Descent. 

Olivia tells me that the Sharks are not just about doing swimming routines.

“When we come in as freshman, we get a Big Sis. The Big Sis are the seniors. That bond is formed. And once they graduate they have someone to come back and watch. You know, there are graduates from three years out watching. And part of it is they know how hard it is. And they know how much work goes into it. And they just go crazy. At intermission, they even come in with flowers.”

It turns out that Olivia and three other performers choreographed a portion of the program. A dozen other young women choreographed other portions. Then there is the music and the design and all the incidentals of a top-notch spectacle. All done by these girls. Oh, yeah, and they perform over 240 hours of community service on top of all this.

Not bad.

So, Olivia, is this competitive?

“For the Sharks, the end game is just to perform it. You’re not doing it to compete with anyone else. It is a performance. It is creative. You channel it. You’re trying to work with the person next to you, not beat them.”

Is that because the person next to you is drowning?

Olivia smiles again, dark eyebrows raised, chin out, eyes sparkling, . . . and ignores my question.

“Being part of the Sharks is so worth it. It’s a real special thing.”

Joy-filled, laughing, she leaves to go pick up trash as part of another school project.

As for me, I do a Vertical Descent with a Ballet Leg into a stuffed chair with my latte tipped into a Vertical Position ready for the big Drain. Trust me, no one ever drowns in a coffee shop.

Joe

“There’s a reason for everything, but there is no excuse if the cornbread is burnt.”

The old Southern gentleman looks at me with his right eye nearly closed and his left eye so wide he might be peering through a jeweler’s eyepiece. Yup, I am under scrutiny. Did I even know what cornbread was? Am I worthy of his story?

Clearly not.

“Well,” he patiently begins again after seeing my bemused look, “a million dollars was gone and the room full of people wanted to know why. But these folks didn’t want to hear me tell of all the reasons that money was gone. They just wanted the money back. With interest. So I told them, ‘There’s a reason for everything, but there is no excuse if the cornbread is burnt. And the cornbread is burnt.’ Do you see?”

These few sentences are spoken with a drawl so long and drawn that it is possible to eat a sandwich in-between them. But the elongated vowels also lend delightful musicality. Will the old man start tap-dancing next?

Charleston, South Carolina. I’m here for a wedding. I am caught by surprise at the graciousness of the people. When the clerk at the coffee shop tells you to have a good day, she may be just as willing to stop and talk about how you like Charleston, and, by the way, how many children do you have? And what are their ages? My goodness.

And the beauty of Charleston. Wow!

As I wander around, I end up down by the harbor on a quiet Friday morning. There I find Kasmere Sutter. She’s 18 years old and selling roses made from palm leaves.

“I’ve been doing this for like a year and a half. I get the palms from the trees nearby.”

No kidding.

“There is a lot of people doing them, like sweet-grass baskets on the market. They teach people how to make the roses and make sure you have a license and stuff like that.”

It must be a lot of work to make a living.

“I kinda live out on the streets. It’s not fun living on the street, but then again it’s fun. You get to do whatever you want to do. I think it’s fun because I’ve been in so many group homes and foster homes this is different. I left those places when I turned 18.”

And how is it not fun?

“This is also not fun because you have to look for food and it’s kind of embarrassing to ask people for food. You don’t want people to know the situation you’re in. I have pride.”

Do you feel safe?

“No, not really. I just keep myself safe. I have like a friend, not a boyfriend, but he’s male. He keeps me safe and I keep him safe.”

Really? Keep yourself safe?

Back when I was in my 20’s, I hitchhiked around the United States. It was the waning days of hitchhiking as a relatively normal mode of transport. Cities and states and the federal government were starting to pass restrictions on where folks could legally hitchhike because of all the danger posed by hitchhikers and the people who picked them up.

But, of course, I was invincible.

Across Iowa. Across Nebraska. Into Wyoming. Carving my way up into Canada and then circling back across the Trans-Canadian Highway and dropping into New York City.

It seemed like a romantic adventure. You know, on the road (boring). Hopping trains (not really). Cooking in tin cans around a campfire with poet hobos (never).

Yup. Delusional at best.

I spent one night in a ditch somewhere outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming. About 20 yards away from my sleeping bag there was rustling in the tall grass. I was not alone on this early morning. Three teenagers. Bedded down like young deer. Skittish. Wary. Coughing softly in the morning dew. Their thin bodies and hollow looks seemed an advertisement for despair. They glanced away from me in fear that I would harm them. Quickly, they packed their few belongings, watching me over their shoulders, and moved on into town, looking for food.

They are what it means to live on the street — hunger, constant movement, and danger. This is not romantic.

But today the sun is shining in Charleston. The stately and colorful mansions line the harbor with their three-layer porches. And Spanish moss hangs from the trees as if placed there by the rowdy antics of high school kids before the Friday night game.

I turn back to Kasmere Sutter and her open-air market.

How much for a rose made from palm leaves?

“Five dollars . . . but three will do.”

I pay the 18-year-old kid and walk back to my lovely life and ruminate about all the reasons Sutter is living on the street. Meanwhile, the smell of burnt cornbread floats on the breeze.

Joe

Grease the bottom of your pans. Combine all the dry ingredients including the cinnamon, nutmeg, flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

Have you noticed that whenever you’re feeling just a little too smart, too strong, too handsome, too successful, too whatever . . . the bottom drops out! I remember finishing a long series of lectures for wannabe lawyers, making sure my kids had all made it to their summer jobs, and hopping on my bike on a beautiful warm day in Iowa, peddling down the road with hard work at my back and the sun of success in my face.

And then a van smacked me unconscious on the side of the road, temporarily paralyzed my body, and crushed my voice box.

Go figure.

Now combine eggs, bananas, sugar, and oil.

Theresa Greenfield was on top of the world. She had just turned in all the signatures she needed from eligible voters to formally launch her candidacy for the United States House of Representatives. She had raised more money than any of her fellow Democratic candidates. She had been campaigning hard for a year. And gosh darn, everything was jelling. She was on the road to success.

“I was so excited. I was thrilled.” She tells me, her brow furrowing, still in disbelief.

And then Greenfield got hit by the proverbial van.

“On Thursday night, my campaign manager walked into my office and told me that he had forged signatures on our petition.”

Catastrophic.

Greenfield didn’t even quibble about what was forged and what was not. She fired her manager and went down to withdraw her papers to run as a candidate. She was not going to run a campaign based on tainted signatures. Her candidacy was essentially over. She was toast.

Add the liquid ingredients to the dry ingredients.

“And then I got to work,” she says with a steely look.

One option was to start all over and collect new signatures by 5 p.m. One work day. The clock was ticking.

Yikes.

“About 8 in the morning people began to deploy and collect for the 8 counties required. We needed 1790 signatures. Our supporters called their supporters who called their friends. People called me I didn’t know and said, ‘Hi, I just heard. I’m in Adel, I can get 20 signatures.’ ‘Hi, I’m in Creston with 50 signatures.’”

Greenfield turned to all the Democratic candidates running for Iowa governor. And they didn’t disappoint.

“All the gubernatorial campaigns helped me out. They released their staff. They provided advice. Their campaign managers were all at the Capitol when I was filing. They were strong for me. They stepped up to be my campaign manager for the day.”

“Someone shouldn’t lose based on a technicality,” says John Norris, one of the gubernatorial candidates.

So he acted.

“We shut down our office for six hours and pulled people off to help her get names. We just sent people out on the streets. At one point we had a meeting point between people collecting signatures at highways 34 and highway 148 for three vehicles and a hand-off.”

Norris smiles at the craziness of it all.

“It’s just like when a farmer gets injured. You all come together and get them through the crisis. You’re always stronger for that.” He pauses. “All of us are stronger.”

And Greenfield kept hustling and calling and collecting and cheerleading as the day slipped away.

“We had people running to the Secretary of State Office with one minute to 5 p.m. with sheets of signatures. There were a lot of cheers.”

It was done.

Fold in nuts.

But it was not to be.

Not enough signatures. Just 200 short.

Disaster.

Ah, but Greenfield, still dumbfounded from the evolving news, reminds me of real disaster.

“I lost my first husband to a work accident when I was 24 and pregnant.”

Greenfield looks me in the eye with her jaw set.

“What I learned at the young age of 24 was how important social security and hard-earned union benefits are. I would have gone to poverty without them. I had one child and was expecting number two. And came from a poor farm family. When the union leaders came to my home after the funeral, they said, here’s how we’re going to take care of you. They explained social security and the union benefits. They couldn’t bring my husband back, but they wanted to make sure that I knew I could pay the rent.”

Bake in a 350 degree oven for 55 minutes.

As I sit with Greenfield in the ashes of her former manager’s mess, she has no room for self-pity.

“When I’d go to church on Sundays after my husband died, two union members would meet me at my car. One would grab one baby and one the other. I’d sit at church and they’d sit right next to me. There were times at Mass that I’d just cry the whole time. And they just sat next to me and said, this is okay. It’s okay to cry. They would hold my babies.”

Greenfield looks away and then looks back.

“People are good. And we saw this again on Friday.”

So, what is Greenfield’s response?

“I know we aren’t stopping. We are going forward with this race for the House. There are other ways.”

And for yourself?

“I had a meet and greet last night. I really spent a long time thinking about gratitude after that event. There are just times you have to stand up and be strong. And when the door is closed, and no one can see, like with my former manager’s bad choices, I still choose what is right. And that’s important.”

So what did you do after the meeting last night?

“My twin sister and I baked banana bread until 12:30 at night. When you’re in a crisis people bring you food. I did the exact opposite. I was in a crisis and I needed to bring people food.”

Really?

“I decided the campaigns for governor needed a special thank you. So this morning we delivered banana bread from my kitchen to their campaigns.”

No kidding.

Cool in the pan for 10 minutes and then eat.

Joe

Listen, bumper to bumper traffic is not a concept I’m promoting. Trust me. And, without a doubt, an interstate that turns into a very long parking lot doesn’t seem the best idea to sell the wonders of Colorado. Right? I’m guessing a slogan that promotes being caught in a traffic jam on the interstate might not be the jingle that draws in the tourist dollars.

COLORADO — COME FOR THE MOUNTAINS, STAY FOR THE TRAFFIC JAMS!

Nope. That doesn’t work. But here we are at sunrise, on the way to Copper Mountain on Interstate 70, a straight shot out of Denver. Suddenly, a Colorado traffic jam in the making.

Much to my son’s chagrin, we left 25 minutes late.

“A disaster!” he informs me, as we sit with hundreds of cars in front of us and an equal number behind.

And whose fault is that? Who caused this momentous catastrophe? Who is to blame for all of our ills?

I don’t think pointing fingers really helps the dialogue move in a positive direction, do you? Isn’t that part of the problem in our troubled political times? Doesn’t blaming someone just play into the bullying culture that now seems to exist? Fire off a tweet. Honk your horn. Yell at the person in the grocery store line. We all want to justify our righteousness before God on the poor back of the person who stumbles in front of us.

I say “NO” to blaming.

And, in any case, can a person in good conscience start the day without a coffee? Let’s say a tsunami is coming or the North Koreans have lobbed the big one or the flashing light in your eyes forecasts a small brain tumor. Isn’t that the very reason to stop for coffee? And the coffee shops in Denver . . . please. Superb! And while you’re there, what about a bagel egg sandwich? I call it the Paleo Plus Diet. Forget the Whole 30, try the Whole Nine Yards.

My son is not amused by any of this.

“Unfortunately, those 25 minutes translate into another hour or two on the road,” my son informs me.

Listen, I’ve got to give him credit for remaining respectful of his elderly father, although I notice he is speed dialing potential nursing homes as we talk.

Stuck, barely moving, part of a gas-consuming nightmare. Yikes.

On the other hand, look at the view.

Wow!

And instead of skiing down a hill in mute silence or hiking up a snow-packed trail unable to breathe, the car allows us to have that family conversation, the one that used to take place after church while sitting around the dining room table eating mom’s cinnamon rolls. Well, almost.

“Dad, why are you squirming?”

You guessed it, I need to visit a restroom. This does seem to be a problem. Here and there, I see a car pulled over with a young man standing upright on the other side of the car, feet splayed, apparently staring intently at the amazing panorama. Or I see a woman sprint towards a pathetically small tree, pulling at her pants, apparently bending over to gather pine cones to spray paint for the next holiday season.

But a bathroom ? None in sight.

At last. A lonely gas station on the horizon.

Look. A portable toilet out front. Oh no. A line 30 deep awaits. People are shifting back and forth from leg to leg like a giant centipede on hot coals.

Ahhhhhhhhhh . . . . . . . .

So I wait in line. I shift like a centipede on hot coals.

By the way, while we are waiting, did you know there are some amazing studies and books out these days about the power of the mind to affect the health of the body? I recently read one of these books involving aging. A wonderful compilation of science-based experiments which show you have the ability to actually think yourself younger. By the time I finished the book, it was clear as day to me: it’s your fault if you die!

Well, I have my own anecdotal support for the mind’s affect on the body. See, I finally make it to the portable toilet. Shut the door. Prepare myself for action. And . . . nothing. Yup, I’m a little shy. The mere idea that 30 folks are sitting outside that door dancing from leg to leg is too much. I leave the portable toilet in failure.

But also a success. Duh, mind over body. I’m going to live forever, I tell myself, as I sit squirming in the front seat.

At last we make it to our destination, hike a little bit and . . .

Of course. Mountains to die for. So it must be true.

Colorado — come for the mountains . . . .

Joe

“I don’t do interviews,” he says without a smile. His eyes sweeping both sides of the bar while he pours the beer.

Really?

The timbre of his voice catches me by surprise as it rumbles softly across the room like the early hint of an Iowa thunderstorm, dry and gravelly and deep.

“Let’s not call it an interview,” I say, with a nod towards my former life as a prosecutor.

He shakes his head, unimpressed by my sly interrogation tactic, and draws another beer for a customer.

Brian Cooney is an archetype. You know, like “the witch” or “the magician” or “the wise mother.”

Let’s see . . . pressed, long-sleeve white shirt. √ Black vest. √ White apron turned just so. √. White wavy hair. √ No-nonsense, down-turned mouth perfect for dead-pan deliveries. √ And stories about anything and everything, if you can get him to talk. √ Oh, yes, he pours drinks at his bar called, of all things, Cooney’s. √ and √

“The Irish bartender.” In the flesh.

Cooney’s Tavern has been around for over 30 years. It anchors the north end of the Beaverdale neighborhood in a small commercial strip on the west side of Beaver Avenue. You’re not going to be impressed by the outside. But open the door. Yup, it feels like a dip back into an earlier time, a better time. Old bricks that make up the wall come from a parking lot down near North High School. Table tops are marble wainscoting from a downtown building that was demolished. The backbar is pieced together from small-town Iowa bars long abandoned. And signs — old Irish road signs, old Irish pub signs, Cooney signs. All original. All speaking of another time and another place, which, of course, is now this place.

And a front bar that is dark and deep and a mile long.

By the way, Cooney may be reluctant to speak about himself, but he is not reluctant to speak out. There was a time, not so long ago, when he was concerned about the smoking in his bar. His uncle had been sending him literature about the dangers of second-hand smoke for over a year. So, one day he went to a hearing at the Iowa legislature and spoke in support of legislation banning smoking in places like his. But it didn’t go as planned.

“Somebody asked me at the hearing, ‘Is your establishment nonsmoking?’ And I had to say no. So basically that person called me out. You can talk the talk, but you can’t do the walk. So, what am I going to do? I’m driving back, mulling over this stuff, would I do it on my own? Not sure.”

Cooney gets back to his bar, opens it up at the traditional 2 p.m., and one of his night bartenders appears.

“Mandy is here. I asked her why she is here this early. She said she had to talk to me.

“She said, ‘I’m pregnant and my doctor said get out of that smokey bar. So I’m giving you two-weeks notice.’

“I said, ‘You don’t have to quit.’

“She said, ‘I can’t work in a smokey bar.’

“I said, ‘OK  . . . we will not be a smoking bar come Monday.’”

So, over a year and a half before the Iowa legislature acted, Cooney’s Tavern became nonsmoking.

“We can thank Vincent, who is now 10, for turning us nonsmoking.” Cooney laughs.

Cooney suddenly stops scanning the bar and looks directly at me.

“I just want to stress that Cooney’s Tavern wouldn’t be here without a group of dedicated bartenders and loyal customers.”

No doubt.

I look around at the people drinking and visiting at three in the afternoon on a school day. Cooney calls them all by name, knows exactly what they drink, how many drinks they drink, and when to bring their drink. It’s like watching a Paris waiter at work. Understated professionalism.

So, Cooney, what about those blue and purple windows up front?

“Those windows up there? I got those in 9th grade. I was working for a neighborhood contractor and I was cleaning up the job site near Holy Trinity. Those windows were out of the church hall. Nobody wanted them and they’d been thrown out. And so I took them home and put them in the basement. They were there for 10 years.”

Cooney draws a beer for a fellow down on the west end of the bar.

He returns and continues.

“When I first brought  the windows home, my dad asked, ‘What are you going to do with these?’ In 9th grade I said, ‘I’m going to put them in my neighborhood bar.’”

Cooney smiles to himself for a brief moment and shakes his head.

“My dad just looked at me.”

And with that, Cooney goes back to work, as the afternoon light shimmers through the window and splashes purple and blue against the bar.

Joe

The sun rises.

Okay. Here I am in Denver. That would be me pulling hard on the thin air after coming from the gently rolling hills of Iowa. Let’s see, I’ve tried every type of coffee shop. Wonderful. I’ve eaten all sorts of hot and spicy foods. A league of their own. I’ve spent a day up in the mountains. How can it be warm while walking in a foot of snow? And now I have a day free. What to do?

How about the Denver City Park?

8:00 a.m. The Canadian geese fly low and flat across the still icy pond. A perfect formation. Their large wings beat with a slow percussive thump like the air compressor at the auto garage. They turn and circle and talk loudly to each other. Amazing. But I see the mess of goose poop that the few walkers and runners are dancing around. This is one of those dog/cat or cow/bird videos of mixed species cohabitation. I bet this is a relationship still under negotiations.

9:00 a.m. A decision is made by someone. The geese circle one more time and begin their noisy descent into the pond. Wheels down. Flaps turned vertical. Safety light flashing. Lower, lower, lower . . . a gentle plop. And they immediately preen their wings as if they never left.

I find a bench. The perforated metal already hot from the sun. A breeze coming off the water now blowing over the metal plate in the concrete at the foot of the bench. “In memory of . . .”

10:00 a.m. The early morning runners and bikers finish their Very Serious business. Moms appear walking baby strollers — or jogging with lifelines attached to three-wheeled contraptions. Ponytails seem to be the fashion. Eyes forward. Ears budded up. Sun shining down. There will be no dilly-dallying today.

They all ignore me, a single old man sitting in the park. I get it. I would ignore me too. A public bench in the big city can be the repository of many an unsavory character. Isn’t that what our parents’ warned as they put newspapers down on the suspect benches before our innocent behinds could become contaminated?

Of course I smile at everyone. Why not? I already have a contaminated behind.

12:00 noon. The geese leave as the lunchtime crowd appears. Phones are everywhere. Lunch is not a time to be disconnected. That conversation that waited all morning can happen at last. “Last night’s party was amazing.” “Bill did what at dinner?” “My mother called again, can you believe it.” “Why aren’t these pants fitting better?” “At last those shoes are on sale.” “Is that a good investment?” “Did she really say that?” “Did he really do that?”

I totally understand wanting to connect with others. Although it is a little odd to witness all these people walking and talking alone. A new form of isolation perhaps. But today I belong to the Disconnected. With no phone in hand, I am left to wander City Park on real time. But, rest assured, I will pick up my iPhone at the end of the day, then I too can leave the ranks of the disconnected for the isolation of the connected. Great.

1:00 p.m. The sun shines hot. The ice on the pond begins to break off and drift just below the surface. Isn’t that how the Titanic went down? The hidden iceberg?
Fortunately, tragedy will be limited to that unsuspecting goose who hits the ice like a snowboarder and skids right up to the land. Perhaps that will be the latest thing at the Winter Olympics — goose-boarding.

3:00 p.m. A faint roar echoes across the park. A lion’s roar. It comes from the zoo . . . hopefully.

I can’t resist a visit.

Wow. There’s lions and hippos and rhinoceroses and elephants and tigers. Goodness. But look at those seals. Pushing, shoving, hugging, barking. Clearly teenagers out of control and having the time of their lives. I can hear my mom yelling from the kitchen: “Now, don’t get wet!”

5:00 p.m. Believe it or not, time to head home. Back to the interior of the park I go. The night shadows are already stretching out from the base of the trees, filling in all the snow-flattened brown grass with darkness. So, I dodge the goose poop through the deepening darkness anxious to get home.

Oops, I feel a soft squish under foot.

And the sun sets.

Joe