“Dad, isn’t FaceTime a great way for us to talk during this weird virus time?”

The smiling face of my daughter locked down in England greets me. Lively, personable, and true to real life. 

And then I make the mistake of looking at the small screen in the right corner.

Ahhhhh! 

Who is that person? When did I leave the room? Someone has hijacked my computer. 

I elongate my neck and look over my reading glasses at the imposter. One, two, three chins. That’s got to be some kind of record. 

“So how’s Grandma doing in lockdown?”

Perhaps it is the angle of the camera. I have such a large head. Maybe if I bring the computer closer. 

Yikes! Too close. 

“And Mom? You know how she had all those water containers and duct tape ready for Y2K.”

Do my ears look even larger than I thought they were?

I turn sharply to the left and then to the right as I squint out of the corner of my eye at my profile. Wow, have I become part of the unusual vegetables exhibit at the Iowa State Fair? 

“Dad, when do you think you’ll be able to travel again?”

But then there’s my nose (oh my) and teeth (are they yellow and going crooked in old age?) and the spot on my cheek (cancer or freckle?).

There’s a pending disaster at every angle of the camera. Aargh. 

I blow a kiss goodbye to my daughter and tell her I’ll call back tomorrow.

Time for a social media updo.

“4 Beauty Tips You Need to Look Your Best on Social Media,” by Rachel Krause. 

This looks good. Okay, let’s see.

“Even if you’re going for the #iwokeuplikethis vibe on social media—regardless of whether you actually did wake up like that—we consider well-groomed brows to be the bare minimum.”

Brows? My lord, I hadn’t even thought about brows.

“Tweeze stray hairs that the camera will pick up, then use a small, angled brush and your product of choice to fill in your eyebrows.”

My product of choice? That would be a glass of wine. Maybe a beer during this barbecue weather. Clearly, Rachel is from another world than me. I need something a bit more basic.

“How to Look Bomb on FaceTime,” by Emily Gaynor for TeenVogue.

“Even though FaceTime means up-close-and-personal, don’t go too crazy when it comes to covering up, or contouring. FaceTime is about quick and easy contact — you don’t need to get red carpet-ready for a quick convo.”

After reading this sentence several times, I resort to Google Translate. 

Let’s see, “c-o-n-t-o-u-r-i-n-g.”

“Contouring, baking, and extreme highlighting didn’t come from your BFF who’s, like, super into makeup. It actually originated from the drag community decades ago as a way to shape the face with makeup.” Brook Shunatona for Cosmopolitan.

“Shape my face with makeup”? Like with a putty knife and joint compound? I don’t think I’m ready for advice from Cosmo.

And that’s where I am today, folks. Cosmo and TeenVogue have failed me. Am I just one more unusual vegetable among the kohlrabi?

Mirriam-Webster defines beauty as “the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.”

Great. So in this time of lockdown, I go to every member of my household to see if I “give pleasure to their senses” or “pleasurably exalt their minds.”

Okay, two dogs, a cat, and my wife. Without a doubt, both dogs and the nasty cat all vote with their tails and purr that I “look bomb” and bring them pleasure. As for my wife, a much more skeptical voter, I make her a cappuccino, tell her I will stop following her around the house, and for sure will never again follow her into her closet. She also purrs. 

The obvious conclusion from this flawless test? I am a media darling. Beauty personified. One hot dude. 

Or not. 

Which is why you probably need my latest app, ladies and gentlemen. Today only. Half price. Free delivery. Friendly to whatever platform or device you love. It is cleverly named “the carefully placed face-mask draped over your screen.” No digital skills required to install.

And voila! Social media updo.

You’re welcome. 

Joe

“Drake University has postponed the 2020 Drake Relays.” 

The sporting world goes quiet. The blue oval is an empty, wind-swept desert. A hotdog in a steamed bun is a distant dream.

Except at our house . . . 

“He’s rounding the corner, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, let’s give him a big Drake Relays push down the turn.” 

The student section erupts. Everyone stands. I have my shirt off. My wife has rolled her sleeves up over her shoulders. Our winter-white skin is turning a blotchy bright red — the telltale mark of a Drake Relays fan.

The applause is deafening. The competitor reaches out, elongating his body in a twist that seems to defy Newton’s apple, and grabs with a ferocious lunge the . . . orange frisbee.

“That could be a new Drake Relays Record, folks, in the 40-yard frisbee throw. What a day today!”

And I sit back in my seat, buzzed with adrenalin and awe. Wow. World class athletes performing at the top of their game. And during an Olympic year that isn’t. Amazing. 

Where is that mid-morning beer stand anyway?

The men’s relay teams are warming up. Texas, Baylor, Louisiana. And there are the Iowa men doing front lunges down the inside of the track as they warm up for the final. Their black and gold uniforms flash in the sunshine. 

The Iowa men’s team has been riddled with controversy this year. Their strict vegetarian regimen and insistence on feeding their young regurgitated seeds have sparked concerns.

Is their unusual diet a healthful lifestyle or an illegal enhancement?

So far, the judges have ruled in Iowa’s favor. And, fortunately for the fans, the Hawkeyes’ performance IS enhanced as they are competing at the highest levels before their crazy and wild June breeding season.

“At this special invitation-only event, in lane one, the two-time winner of the NCAA indoor track and field, holding the best time this year in the world, is . . . .”

And the announcer builds the field. Competitor after competitor. I’m straining my neck trying to see the start. The officials, all decked out in blue and white, line them up.

“On your marks.” 

My view is unobstructed except for that guy with the cowboy hat who always seems to be my best friend at the Relays. Or is that a bluejay on a branch?

“Get set.”

I stretch up out of my seat, not quite standing, but nearly.

The gun goes off. The crowd roars. My heart lodges in my throat.  

“Oh my oh my, it’s an all-out battle. Look at Iowa go. Let’s give them a big hand, folks, as they come down the home stretch.”

Iowa wins! Iowa wins! Iowa wins!

Yahoo! Our very own Hawkeyes win the Seed-Eating Invitational.”

Whew!

“Check to the north end of the track everyone. Yes, that’s the time. With hundreds of events over several days, here we are, running two minutes ahead of schedule before our last competition. Let’s give a big hand to those volunteer Drake Officials, the best in the world.”

My wife and I applaud as the bunnies in the yard perform the march of the officials around the blue oval. Yay.

Back to the competition.  

“With the bird bath obstacle and the fierce competition from the woodpeckers, the last event is a doozy, folks, the two-meter bird-feeder hang. The nuthatches are particularly adept, but being pushed hard by the squirrel team.” 

“Shoo, shoo, shoo,” jeers my wife as she tries to distract the hated squirrel team while she raps on the window. 

But the good guys don’t always come in first. The squirrels have been masters of the two-meter, bird-feeder hang ever since they hired that Russian coach back in 2010, who taught them how to climb a greased pole. And today was no different. They walk away with the blue ribbon. And all the bird seeds. 

So the 2020 Drake Relays come to a close. We stream away from the track with thousands of  other fans. But, like most, we stop by the kitchen to grab a glass of wine before moving on to the den to see what happens with Father Brown on PBS. 

There you have it. The 2020 Drake Relays. A slight variation. 

Joe

Lockdown. It used to be a term that I’d hear back when I was a criminal prosecutor and trying to talk to a witness.

“Sorry, sir, you can’t see the prisoner because he’s in lockdown.”

Of course, he’s in lockdown. He’s a bad guy. All my witnesses are bad guys. Why couldn’t I ever have a priest as a witness? Or at least Mother Teresa?

And now I am in pandemic lockdown . . . a coronavirus prisoner in Iowa.

I, loving all things Dutch, have not a canal or a bicycle or a windmill in sight.

Nope. Nothing. Zilch.

But then I started getting emails. Dutch emails. And I started following the links. So I took my laptop to a yet-to-be-plowed Iowa cornfield and travelled across the Atlantic.

Ah, here’s my old friend the Mauritshuis. Home of the Girl with the Pearl Earring and the Goldfinch. They are offering something called “Mauritshuis at Home.” Well, I’m at home. Let’s see what they’ve got. Mmmm . . .  I choose “Old art, new stories.”

And they are new stories. The narrator is examining a painting by Van Haecht of Apelles the artist and Alexander the Great. The narrator tells us that the painting depicts the story of Alexander the Great saying to the painter that the portrait he painted of Alexander’s mistress is even more beautiful than his mistress. So Alexander suggests a swap of the painting for Alexander’s mistress.

I tell this wonderful story to my wife. She wonders why I find it so wonderful and suggests that I should try sleeping in the other room.

Or that small painting I’ve walked past many a time by Joachim Wtewael, which shows Venus having sex with Mars and the brouhaha that causes in paradise. My goodness. This painting, meant to be viewed alone, was not shown publicly until 1987 because it was “so racy,” according to the narrator.

I love that. The idea of a bunch of teenagers gawking at this painting out in the barn during the early 1600’s seems like something Norman Rockwell should have painted.

And here’s an email from the Nederlands Dans Theater. A video entitled ‘The Statement’ by Crystal Pite. Lord help me, the stage consists of a long conference table just like every conference table I ever sat around as a lawyer. The only prop in sight. I’m already hooked.

The dancers dance around and on and under the table. A morality play of right and wrong and responsibility. A dance not performed to music but to the spoken word. And the dancers even more rawly evoke the emotion of those words.

I’m in love with this piece. Serious and powerful.

But next time I’m in lockdown for a pandemic, I wonder if they could dance on a lighter note. Maybe something about the morality and responsibility of eating oliebollen (a delicious fried oil ball, aka a Dutch donut). Why not?

Thank goodness for Dutch flowers. Off to the Keukenhof I go, where thousands and thousands of tulips and other flowers are planted every year. Tons of videos at their site from which to choose. Okay, how about “Gardener Daan shows his favorite spots.” 

One of Daan’s favorite spots is the Mill Forest, which, believe it or not, contains a mill in a forest. But did you know that among the beautiful flowers and the windmill in the Mill Forest are old rusty cars? Yup, old rusty cars. The contrast between the abandoned vehicles and the colorful daffodils and perennials and ferns make me smile. Wonderful!

And I can’t wait to tell my Iowa farmer friends. Many still park their junk cars in some ravine on their back field. Little did they know that if they just planted a daffodil here and there, they could be one step closer to the magnificence of the Keukenhof.

Time to stretch my computer legs. I look up my old gym, Absolutely Fit, located next to the harbor in Scheveningen. Sure enough, they have a weekend workout all set for my pleasure. Henriette Priester, the co-owner with her husband Rik, is demonstrating on video a squat as part of a complete weekend routine in your home.

My goodness. I thought a lockdown meant . . . locked down . . . on your couch . . . with fries. But no. Here’s Henriette, the mother who mothers everyone in the gym, telling me I need to do squats. Really?

“But mom . . .” as my kids used to say.

I dutifully set the computer down and do squats. Not really. But a great idea!

Well, it’s getting dark. Time to leave the corn field. But I think about the scariness of the coronavirus pandemic. The fear of people getting sick and dying. Of loved ones in a hospital with no one able to visit. Of the heroic actions of doctors and nurses and grocery store clerks. And how this virus circled the globe with a strangling fear in seemingly seconds.

But then I think about all these wonderful folks in all these museums and theaters and gyms putting together videos and stories and emails encouraging hope. That is the take away from my virtual vacation. Good people doing good things during hard times.

However, I still think there should be an oliebollen video.

Joe

Yes, Juliette, there is a Santa Claus. Sure, it’s scary times — pestilence, politics, and the end of the world as we know it. Not to mention your Dad and Mom suddenly being at home all the time. Which started out as if the carnival had come to town, but now it’s two adults worried about you, their health, their parents’ health, and, yes, they are looking at the checkbook an awful lot and mumbling about toilet paper. Go figure . . . toilet paper?

Not exactly a recipe for making fun cherry scones and singing songs about whales. But here we are.

And grandpas know things. Although we are many miles apart and your vocabulary does not yet allow you to speak about the crisis that faces us all, I know that you get it. Heck, it was just a couple weeks ago that Grandma held you on her lap and chanted, “Who’s to blame?” And then you both wagged your fingers at me and chanted, “Grandpa.” See, you understand good and bad and right and wrong and the truth about Grandpa.

Of course, no matter the age, you can tell that something is just wrong.

But, rest assured Juliette, there is a Santa Claus. I saw him. Well, not exactly him. I mean, it is spring in Iowa. Give me a break. But I saw what Santa Claus represents — the magic in the world. How did I see magic? Hah! I looked out the window. This is what I saw:

Yup, it’s Michelle Tasler and her dinosaur buddy, Jack Hearne, walking down the sidewalk. Yup, an actual dinosaur. Can you believe it? Do you know why she is out walking her dinosaur? I sure didn’t. So I got closer to them, but very carefully and slowly so as not to become dinosaur applesauce, and I asked her why she is out walking her dinosaur.

“We had to get out of the house and wanted to bring some happiness to other people.”

Yes, Juliette, people are good. People understand what it means to stand together. People are unbelievably brave. And people can bring you happiness. And, Juliette, you are all those things and you too bring happiness. This is magic.

And just look outside. It is spring. And there is magic in spring. I was walking down near the creek, and beautiful flowers, nearly the color of your eyes, are just starting to poke through the wet ground. No matter your problems and worries, nature is like a cool cloth against your warm forehead. Go outside and let nature smooth away your troubles. I do.

And sometimes, if you look closely and breathe very slowly and don’t step on worms, you will see things in nature that are a bit surprising. Like when I looked inside this woodpecker’s hole:

Yikes!!!!! Is that a tree sprite? Or a pixie? Or a fairy? Or Grandma?

Yes, Juliette, there is a Santa Claus. Why? Because there is love. Sorry, I usually try not to use that word, but there it is . . . love. You are loved by so many people. And you will grow up to love so many people. It is the glue for good times and bad. And right now, it is everywhere, from the baggers at the grocery store to the doctors and nurses on the front line. Just reach up from your daddy’s shoulders and you will see it.

Yes, Juliette, there is a Santa Claus.

Joe

Fears are a dime a dozen these days. If we don’t get deathly ill from the coronavirus (by the way, I don’t remember sending in my application to join the vulnerable, old-guy group), and if we have any savings left after the stock markets nosedive (who dares calls the stock market gambling), then we are scared to death of our political future as either a Forever Trumper without Trump or Trump Hater with Trump Forever.

And let’s not forget that small, ticking, climate-change bomb. That alone should get your teeth rattling and cause frequent trips to the bathroom.

Frankly, a thorough washing of my hands for 20 seconds only goes so far to calm my fears.

So I looked to a fear expert for expert advice on dealing with fears expertly.

“People panic in the door before they jump. But once you’re out, as I tell everyone, you might as well have a good time because we won’t be getting back in the plane.”

John Wayne Huddleson smiles at me as if this is obvious.

Is he kidding?

The door John is referring to is the exit out of a plane. Into the empty air. Far from the ground. Falling.

No thank you.

When someone says, “jump out of a plane,” my first word association is “splat.”

But John’s a pro. He’s done over 4000 jumps and teaches skydiving and does tandem jumps all the time.

And he gets it.

“It’s just not normal jumping out of a plane,” he says.

Ya think?

“My first tandem, I was terrified. I was going through the training and it was like, ‘Why am I doing this, why am I doing this . . . this jump will be my last one.'”

But it wasn’t?

“You do the jump and it’s beautiful, peaceful, calming.”

And then were you all right after that?

“Nope, on my next jump I’m up in the plane again and my thoughts are just the same, ‘Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?'”

John laughs, “Come on! Am I dope or what?”

I thoughtfully don’t answer.

But John persevered and now he’s the one calming you down. He’s the one you trust. He’s the one saying you will have one of the most beautiful experiences of your life. And you will.

I think.

“Skydiving never becomes normal because you have to respect what you’re doing. If you don’t respect what you’re doing, it’s going to get you. I do safety checks on every jump three to four times. I am as safe as possible. But it’s always a thrill.”

So there you have it. John, the skydiving pro, the man in the sky, the parachutist who will escort you out the open door. Fearless.

But, of course, there is more to his story . . .

“I work on bridges for my other job,” says John.

And how’s that?

“Well, the funny thing is that I’m afraid of heights.”

Whaaaat???

“If you get me 30 feet off the ground, which I frequently am with bridge work, I’m terrified. But I’ve learned to get past it.”

This so doesn’t make sense.

“It’s different — the bridge and skydiving. Up that high with a parachute, I don’t think about it. I don’t know why, I just don’t think about it.”

And how is your fear of heights now?

“It’s getting worse the older I get. Very much so. But I just do it. And a lot of the guys on bridges are the same way. We’ve worked together long enough that we cover each other for things we don’t want to do.”

My goodness.

“So do you have advice for me and my fears?”

“I don’t have advice for others.” John smiles. “For me, I just work through it.”

Lord, is that the message? I always want my fears to go away with a pill, or the right foods, or three easy steps. I completely agree with Jack trading his milk cow for magic beans.

But just work through it? Stare out the door and jump? Hang 30 feet in the air over a bridge and do the job?

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway,” said the other John Wayne.

Okay, okay, I guess we are seeing such courage every day now. It’s the Italians singing opera from their apartment windows as they are in lockdown for the coronavirus. It’s the Chinese cheering on cement mixers building new hospitals as the crisis rages. It’s the small shop owner in England who is today giving free sanitizer and wipes to those over 65.

And it’s the sacker at Hy Vee getting your groceries ready for pick-up, and the barista at the coffee shop delivering your coffee out the window, and the server at the restaurant packing up your carry-out, and the teacher trying to figure out on-line teaching, and the garbage folks who just keep on coming, and the reporters filing stories that I consume like popcorn, and the ministers broadcasting Sunday services, and Bill the Postman who arrives each day, rain, shine, or pestilence, to deliver my mail.

So for me? I guess it’s time to saddle up and just work through it.

Joe

Dancing with the bright sun down the narrow gravel road, the horse moves into a high step and then pulls his head sharply to the ground. The rider, instead of flying over the head of the horse, nonchalantly pulls the reigns back up. She then smiles at me.

I’m guessing they’ve been through this routine a time or two.

This is the first warm day of early spring in Iowa and more than a few folks — who I suspect shoveled snow just once too often this winter — are feeling their oats.

I stop clearing out the mulberry trees from the fence line and admire the muscles rippling on the horse’s flank. Lord, they are big animals. More imposing than any vehicle on the road. And they have all the right features — keyless start, four wheel drive, renewable fuel, and an added fertilization option for no extra cost.

Julie Warner, a retired airline attendant, is out with her horse, Amigo, on this spring day in Iowa. And Amigo is feeling the warm weather with a certain joie-de-vivre.

Eventually Julie pats his neck and dismounts with a laugh.

“I’d rather be walking a horse than riding when they start acting like that.”

And Julie begins to work him in a circle in the middle of an intersection of two dirt roads, running him one direction then the next, faster and faster.

Then they slow to a conversational walk.

“Got Amigo as a two year old and he’s nine now. He’s a quarterhorse. And he was quite good, but got hurt before his last race. So I bought him. He’s one I have to work every day.”

“He sure seems spirited,” I cleverly remark.

Julie pauses and scratches under her hat.

“I ride with a bunch of ladies from the Davenport and Cedar Rapids area. And, bless their hearts, they ride what I call ‘recliners.’ It’s a pretty horse they can pull out of the pasture, get on, and they let the horse go down the trail like a train, nose to tail. That’s what these pretty horses do. I don’t want that.”

Julie looks at me, smiles, and shakes her head.

“And you can’t ride pretty,” she says.

What???

Our world loves pretty. Pretty shiny objects and pretty shiny people and our made-for-Instagram pretty shiny experiences.  My lord, just check out where everyone spent Spring Break. Bright sun, beautiful beaches, and more bronzed people than fried foods at the Iowa State Fair. No one posted about their spring break in Boone, Iowa.

Right?

Although, when I think of experiences, I think of the time my family moved from Michigan to a house next to a small hog barn in the country outside of Iowa City. My dad and brother and I drove ahead in a van with a load of furniture. I was 10 years old. My dad was a busy man, a mathematician deep into the brand new world of computers, and time alone with him without all eight kids was unusual.

So we unloaded the van and sat on the low-slung front porch in the summer heat. Shirts off. Sweating.

My dad brought a watermelon out of the house.

He broke the watermelon on the edge of the porch because we had no knife, and my brother and I each took a ragged chunk. Soon we were spitting black seeds high in the air while the juice ran down our chests and the hogs snorted from the barn.

A small moment in time.

But then my dad died young. And my best memory? The picture of my dad and my brother and myself spitting watermelon seeds from a low porch on a hot day in the Iowa country.

Not much of an instagram post. Nothing to do with the sun. No one had bronzed skin. Not a beach in sight unless you count the mud in the hog pen. But the value of the experience?

You can’t ride pretty.

Then Julie climbs back up on Amigo and gives me a smile. And, like all good philosophers, she rides off into the sunset.

Joe

“No!”

It seems a simple enough word. Sure, I love my daughter and her notorious criminal accomplice, my wife, but the answer is clear.

“No, never, no way will we get another flea-bitten dog!”

But my adult daughter is wonderfully persistent in everything. Especially when it comes to dogs.

“It will be my dog. I’ll take care of it. I’ll only keep it at your house until I get my own place. I’ll pay all the vet bills. I’ll do all the training.”

That was six years ago.

Long before my daughter moved a continent away.

Long before my wife decided she loves dogs just a fraction more than she loves her husband.

Yup, even long before I forgot I once had hair.

The Iowa State Fairgrounds is packed. Twelve rings are up and running at the Cyclone Country Kennel Club Dog Show. Hundreds of people. Hundreds of dogs. Even a hundred dog groomers. There are sellers for every dog gizmo you’d ever want. And a passel of judges, tons of awards, and plenty of blue ribbons. Everywhere you look, it’s a dogpalooza. 

But no beer tent.

Trust me.

I looked.

My wife is competing today. Yup, she and Charlie, my daughter’s German Shepherd, are in four events each day for three days.

As I sip my 45th coffee, I wonder who are these people? What drives them to spend their weekends standing on concrete floors and scooping up dog poop? Are they actually one dog biscuit short, as I secretly suspect?

Let’s start with Julie King. She’s never going to be able to hide her dog inside a celebrities’ spangly purse . . . or even under a biblical bushel basket. 

“I grew up with large dogs and horses. Leisel is my third Great Dane. I have a wonderful trainer, Anna Childs, and she helped me with Leisel when I became frustrated. Anna is so positive about Leisel, I was encouraged to compete. So here I am.”

Julie smiles, shaking her head at the turn of events.

“And how’s Leisel at home?”

“When she goes outside, she spends most of the time playing with my horse. If the horse is not paying attention to her, Leisel will go up and yank on his tail. And if she’s not paying attention to my horse, he will go over and grab Leisel by the scruff and kind of pick her front end up and take off. And Leisel will chase him.”

Hah! Where’s that competitive event anyway? And what about their easing of interspecies hostilities? Don’t Leisel and Julie deserve a blue ribbon for that? I think so.

And look, here’s a mother-daughter-dog combo that looks like it might be a silent cry for help or a truly loving family. 

“This is our golden retriever, Lovie. She will show in novice obedience category,” says Amanda Lepper with her daughter Margot.

Great. But how can you juggle family, dog shows, and all that pink and red?

“I have four kids, so getting to a show is pretty hard because we’re usually doing soccer and basketball and dance and all that. But I have a mentor, Tanja Frye, one of the leaders at the Cyclone Kennel Club in Ames. She pushed me along to try class after class. And now here I am.” 

Really?

“I had two kids when I started. The dog was a way for me to work hard and achieve at something. As a stay-at-home mom, wonderful as that is, you don’t get a lot of ribbons for your effort. So dog training became my therapy for child raising.”

Amen to that. Okay, a blue ribbon to Amanda, Margot, and Lovie. 

But then let’s not forget Gary Shaffer.

“Been doing this 30 years. My wife and I love dogs. We have a small boarding kennel in Jesup, Iowa. We usually have Newfoundlands and Pomeranians, which is quite a combination. We love Pomeranians.”

No kidding. Gary moves around the competition ring with a gentle spring and a barely-contained smile.

“I try to keep the dogs happy. Honestly, it’s our escape from home. We just enjoy it. There’s no money except spending it. It’s just for pleasure.”

Seriously?

“I was in Vietnam for a tour and a half. Then I was in the car business in Seattle, Washington. And now we go to probably 20-25 dog shows a year. Then we take care of dogs when we go home. We are known as the dog people of Jesup. I love it.” 

Okay, okay, a blue ribbon for the dog people of Jesup.

So here we are. Ribbons for everyone. 

But what about my wife and Charlie? How did their day go?

“Amazing.” And she shows me their ribbons. “Let’s get another German Shepherd!” she gushes. 

I’m sure there’s a beer tent somewhere around here. 

Joe

The shovel runs smoothly along the driveway, pushing the not-too-heavy snow into the growing hill on the side. The sky brightens from dark gray to light gray. Sunrise. I pause, take a deep breath of sharp air. Suddenly, the wind swirls across the top of the snow pushing it back across the just-shoveled section.

“Hah!” I flip my scarf around my neck, square my shoulders, shout curses at the wind . . . and I slip on the sloping driveway, the shovel flies into the air, and I lie quietly on my back.

Another snow day in Iowa.

Snow days are a bit different when you’re an old man. No kids to get to school or daycare. No job waiting to be graced by your presence. No one wondering if you were swept away by the storm or if you are just at Stormy’s swept up in a beer or two.

Nope, here I am. On my back. In the long driveway. Enjoying the snow up close and personal.

It is truly winter. Days are short. The air is cold. Fresh snow is being heaped upon old snow. All the sounds are muted to a quiet hush.

A perfect time to think.

“Just had a good report at my physical,” says my friend Gordon.

“Great.”

“Was pretty sure I had something wrong, but it was nothing.”

“That’s a blessing.”

“Although, maybe it’s something and the doc missed it,” says Gordon.

Most conversations these days go this way. Knee replacements. Hip replacements. And wondering if that strange gurgle is just that extra piece of pie or the tentacled monster from the movie Alien.

“You pay your money and take your chances,” as my old friend the religion professor says.

Lying in the snow is not so bad. Only the sounds of the mourning doves at the feeders float down the hill. Really, this would be a good sledding hill.

A long time ago, Waveland Golf Course was my young family’s designated sledding hill. Full of long runs, steep slopes, and squeals of delight. My oldest always flew down the slope thrilled. And then refused to walk back up.

No kidding.

Ever indulging, I’d pull him and the sled back up the hill. It was only a couple of years later when his uncomplaining three-year-old brother pulled himself and his own sled up the hill did I realize I’d been conned. The innocence of children? Hah, raising children is like falling off a cliff. Survival is the only question.

And now our parents, who also carried us up the hill, are passing on.

“My mother was dying and just couldn’t let go,” says Gordon over coffee.

Death seemed as good a conversation as any as we looked out the Grounds for Celebration window in Windsor Heights. The snow storm was beginning to bury the parking lot and businesses were closing.

“So, what did you do?”

“I held her hand and sang her a song.”

“Your kidding. You ushered your mom out with a song?”

“Yup.”

We both sat quietly thinking about that.

“And what did you sing her while holding her hand?” I ask.

“A song written by someone else, but sung by Art Garfunkel. ‘Another Lullaby.'”

And that darn Gordon softly sang the song right then and there.

Close your eyes my pretty child,
Though the night is dark and the wind is wild,
I will stand beside your bed,
Tonight there is nothing you need fear or dread.

The coffee shop vanished. Only Gordon’s subdued voice could be heard as he sang to his mother.

Close your eyes my mother wise
When the waves are angry and the north train cries.
I stop those ghosts outside your door,
Mama, don’t worry ’bout those ghosts no more.

Two old men suddenly rubbing their eyes is not a pretty sight. If you are ever forced to witness such a thing, order a double espresso, be sure to do carry-out, and flee as quickly as possible. Trust me.

“And did the song work?” I eventually asked Gordon.

“She died soon after.”

You know the snow isn’t even cold as I lie here in my driveway. Lord, the birds are making a ruckus at the feeders. I suppose I should get up. But really this is quite comfortable.

Although what if somebody appears over my stretched out body in the driveway and starts singing Get Down Tonight by KC and the Sunshine Band. Is that a sign? Time to call it quits? The big goodbye?

Nah, I move my arms making a snow angel, it’s just another snow day in Iowa.

Joe

Dogs just aren’t my thing. Sorry all you dog lovers. It’s just the way it is.

Sure, I’ve had more than my share of the mangy critters. Why? Because my wife and kids keep bringing them home — over my loud objections. And it’s always the same. I feed the newest member of the family $3000 worth of dog food, they shed buckets of hair on the furniture and rugs, and then they poop in my neighbor’s front yard while my neighbor gestures at me from the window.

“Hi neighbor,” I say in my best Mr. Rogers’ voice. At the same time, I give a small shrug that when translated means — who am I to dictate the bathroom habits of an animal larger than most kids in middle school? I am a victim.

My neighbor does not seem sympathetic to this argument.

Listen, don’t get me wrong, I feel the same way about all the cats who stay with us and treat us with mild disdain. I felt the same for the 25-cent goldfish that lived for a thousand years in our kitchen and was generally a poor conversationalist. And even the turtles of my youth had little joie de vivre.

“Charlie, quit pulling on your leash.”

Lord, I think my left arm is actually dislocated. The obvious result of the machinations of this German shepherd who is constantly stretching my left arm just a bit too far. And not because he is trying to save me from an onrushing truck — nope — but because a month ago some shameless poodle peed on that blade of grass just out of our reach.

But my complaints are ignored by this 100-pound monster who nonchalantly continues snuffling with large gulps of his flared nostrils.

“I’m talking to you,” I say in a huff.

But it’s just like talking to my adult kids, who have taken to calling me “old man,” accompanied by a lot of eye-rolling, and ending with advice to not get up on a ladder.

So here I am. Everyone is busy. I can’t get up on a ladder. So I tend to tromp around with the dog.

I used to tromp around with my kids and our gigantic yellow lab, Micky, back when the kids were small. We would head down to the Des Moines river and walk on the dirt paths running close to the water. No one was around and the trees and water and bright sunshine were the ticket.

One of those winter days I walked up river with my kids, enjoying the cold and the woods. Children’s cries of joy were all that could be heard as they raced up and down the path.

Meanwhile, before I knew it, Micky ran out on the ice covering most of the river. You can guess what happened. He broke through. It was a shockingly simple turn of events. No fanfare. No crescendoing music. No thunder to introduce a plot change. He just slipped into the fast-moving water. End of story.

He fought it for awhile. He tried to climb out. But his 130-pound body refused to find a purchase on the remaining ice. He was wet and he was tired and he was stuck.

And then he started crying as he hung onto the edge of the ice. Long, mournful wails. A sound that echoed down your spine, triggering a distant memory of tooth and claw and sudden death. A wail of terror.

And I stood helpless.

I am unclear about many things, but I knew not to climb out on the ice. So we called 911, but were told they could not do dangerous dog rescues. Passerbys, attracted by the cries, yelled advice. I tried to get Micky to let go of the ice flow and swim downstream. I did things to entice him to the shore. I encouraged him to stay afloat. I pleaded for him to hold on.

But his cries faded as he became more and more exhausted and more and more aware that his time was running out.

And my children? They looked at me. Deadly quiet.

This was not going to end well.

So I did a really stupid thing — one of many stupid things I’ve done in my life. I crawled out on the ice holding onto a long branch that was held at the other end by a passerby, who was himself held by a second passerby. I grabbed the matted scruff of Mickey’s submerged neck and in an adrenaline-fueled moment flung his water-logged, flea-bitten carcass up on the ice.

Of course I wanted to brain him and throw him back in the river. Instead I held him close to warm him up, cursing the whole while that I was done with dogs, no more dogs, I hate dogs. Period.

Micky lived a long, fun-filled life, but he’s gone now . . . along with Emma, Midnight, Molokai, Cloudy, Bronson, Sophie, Harmonica, Chester, Spencer, Fishy, and Pete.

Today, I throw the frisbee for the millionth time to Charlie, a dog my now-absent daughter (really?) brought home. He catches it in midair and returns proudly with his prize.

It’s hard to take him seriously when he looks like this. But what’s to be done? Everyone is busy. I can’t climb ladders. So I tromp around with a dog.

Joe

“There were giants in the earth in those days.” Genesis 6.4.

Yup, that’s what the Bible says — giants. The heroes of long ago. The great men and women of the past. Solid folks. People you could rely on for a lift to the grocery store or to give you a little help if your drain was blocked. Men and women of renown.

And the giants today?

The email arrived with a ping.

“55 years ago on May 1, 1963, I played my Senior Clarinet Recital at Drake University. As I was about to go out on stage, scared to death, my clarinet prof, James Luke, gently pushed me on my back saying ‘May Day! May Day!'”

Kind, self-reflective, funny. David Twombley began writing me emails in 2014 in response to my columns in Cityview. Many emails followed. Some long, some short, some to many recipients, some just to me.

“I am a ‘retired’ instrumental music teacher; taught for 37 years in public schools. I am currently still playing clarinet in two groups here in the Des Moines area, and for the sixth year, teach part-time at Valley high school and Southwoods, the freshman building in the system. There is NOTHING more satisfying than working with youngsters, and seeing their world change when they realize what Music can do for them.”

Teaching was David’s thing. Music was David’s thing. And equality was David’s thing.

Which of course brings us to Chief Justice Mark Cady in Varnum v. Brien.

“This lawsuit is a civil rights action by twelve individuals who reside in six communities across Iowa. Like most Iowans, they are responsible, caring, and productive individuals . . . They include a nurse, business manager . . . and two retired teachers”.

Two retired teachers? They weren’t hard to spot in the crowd. Over there across the room is David Twombley and his partner Larry Hoch. Having committed most of their life to teaching, they found each other in retirement. And together they decided “enough was enough.” They became part of the infamous twelve.

“The twelve plaintiffs comprise six same-sex couples who live in committed relationships. Each maintains a hope of getting married one day, an aspiration shared by many throughout Iowa. Unlike opposite-sex couples in Iowa, same-sex couples are not permitted to marry in Iowa.”

Clear, concise, matter-of-fact. Chief Justice Cady didn’t mince words. Then he reminded us what it means to be an Iowan, in case we were distracted by our smart phones and forgot to look up.

“In the first reported case of the Supreme Court of the Territory of Iowa . . . we refused to treat a human being as property to enforce a contract for slavery and held our laws must extend equal protection to persons of all races and conditions. This decision was seventeen years before the United States Supreme Court infamously . . . upheld the rights of a slave owner to treat a person as property.”

And if that wasn’t enough, he followed this with examples of the Iowa Court dealing “blows to the concept” of segregation and supporting the rights of women.

“In each of those instances, our state approached a fork in the road toward fulfillment of our constitution’s ideals and reaffirmed the ‘absolute equality of all’ persons before the law as ‘the very foundation principle of our government.’”

Which brings us to the topic at hand — same-sex marriage.

“How can a state premised on the constitutional principle of equal protection justify exclusion of a class of Iowans from civil marriage?”

This is like your dad asking if it was a good idea to back the family car into the side of the garage. Perhaps it is best not to answer.

Chief Justice Cady continues. . .

“[T]he right of a gay or lesbian person under the marriage statute to enter into a civil marriage only with a person of the opposite sex is no right at all.”

I’ll translate that for you — sometimes that argument that sounds good in your head should stay in your head.

“We have a constitutional duty to ensure equal protection of the law. Faithfulness to that duty requires us to hold Iowa’s marriage statute violates the Iowa Constitution. To decide otherwise would be an abdication of our constitutional duty.”

There you have it. Chief Justice Cady approached the fork in the road and chose the path of equality. Nobody on his watch is going to be left out in the cold.

Victory for all.

But what happened to our retired teachers, David and Larry?

“We were married in September, 2009.” And David attached a smiling photo to his email.

All lived happily ever after.

The End.

Not really.

Life goes on. It is never the end until it is actually the end. With the recent death of Chief Justice Cady, all three men have passed. Each too early. Each leaving victories and defeats and battles un-fought. But each leaving a mark that made Iowa a little better.

For me, it’s been one year with no emails from David waiting in my in-box. An empty spot at the table. So, like many of you at the beginning of an Iowa winter, I look back to warmer days.

“Squeeker our cat has 3 strikes against him: he’s gay (at least he lives with two gay men), black, and handicapped. He is inside, except for our morning ‘constitutional’ when we go outside; not on a leash, and he explores around the yard and eats grass—Larry thinks he is crossed with a cow! He is a delight: very affectionate, and wants to be with us all the time. Larry says he is a dog in drag, as he seems to be more dog-like than the typical stereotype of a cat. He is the most loving cat I’ve ever had . . . He will be missed very much when his ‘time’ comes, for sure.”

“Giants,” the Bible called them. They are missed very much. For sure.

Joe