Should I take the steep, black diamond run on the mountain to the left, or the longer, curving run on the mountain to the right? Do I want deep snow that sprays at every turn, or a slick track with speed? A chair lift for three, or a moving platform in a tunnel?

Colorado offers endless possibilities. The snow is powder. The staff is always great. The ski outfits are exotically amazing. The lift lines are frequently short. The runs are long.

You want to sashay around moguls or ride up the slope in a gondola built for kings? Colorado is for you. It is fun and wild and refreshing.  

But that was the skiing of my youth. 

Today I’m at a crossroads.

On my left is a bean field. On my right is a cow pasture.

I’m several miles from any town. I’m wearing winter bicycle tights, running underwear with a protective panel, a wind jacket that has half a sleeve burned by the hot exhaust of a snowblower, a nubby wool sweater, an Elmer Fudd hat, and a large woolen cowl that was hand-knit by my wife. I suspect, as usual, that I am ahead of the fashion curve.  

I slide my skis into the bean field with our dog Charlie by my side and begin my ascent.

Skiing was not part of my family repertoire. But in early high school I started hanging with three guys more adventurous than me. None of us knew a parallel turn from a parallelogram, but they decided we were all downhill skiers. So we loaded up a car and drove to the nearest ski resort at that time, Chestnut Mountain, across the river from Dubuque. In those days, it was a few groomed runs down to the Mississippi. It was great.

Of course, we had not a clue what we were doing. We were 16 and stupid. Our go-to move was to just point the skis downward, crouch, and pray to the patron saint of broken bones. 

And over time we got bolder. 

We packed up the car and went to the next-nearest ski resort, which was in La Crosse, Wisconsin. We pulled a pop-up tent trailer. We skied all day and froze all night. By the second night, we figured out we could go to the movie theater at 5 and stay until after midnight. Toasty warm.

No wine, women, or song for us. Just three showings of Disney’s The Love Bug. “Wild” was our group’s middle name. 

Then we discovered Colorado. Our target destinations were usually Vail and Aspen. We would drive all night from Iowa and begin skiing at dawn. We’d try every run before we left town. Crazy and without fear.

Our biggest concern was how to come up with the money for Vail’s exorbitant lift tickets: $10 a day! We were shocked at the price — more so than we would be by today’s Vail day-pass: $229. Times change. Money was a little tight back then. We would stay in a flophouse with bunkbeds lining the walls, one blanket on each bunk, and strange men snoring beside us. We were unperturbed. 

It was from another time. Long before skiing bean fields.

The quiet slips through the layers of my clothes and rests gently against my chest. Nobody is out in this deep Iowa snow. My skis slide and grip, slide and grip. I slowly make my way up the bean-field hill. 

The rolling landscape, the old railroad trail, and the endless corn and bean fields. I might be the only person in existence. Alone and stark and awesome.

“One small step for man . . .” 

It’s not out of line to think about death when you’re cross-country skiing in an Iowa bean field. The cold air and the white snow and the limitless sky overwhelm the small dot you make on the landscape. It gives you a little perspective. It’s hard to be a narcissist in a bean field. 

I see my wife in the distance as I top the hill. I raise my ski poles in “V” for victory. Charlie the dog looks on unimpressed.

I ski down the hill and go home. I snuggle under wool blankets with a hot coffee mixed with chocolate. Charlie is asleep on the cool tile. My wife hooks a wool rug in the corner. And on the small screen . . . The Love Bug. 

A good day in Iowa. 

Joe

“Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”

Yikes, I am in deep trouble navigating that commandment.

Let me explain.

Cursing was not tolerated as I was growing up. Not out of respect or good manners, but because it was a sin. As in, if you add up enough of those violations, the pearly gates close and you are left with the harsh taste of sulphur in your mouth. Forever.

Sure, you could purchase indulgences, do good deeds, confess your sins to a priest, but it might only get a leg or an arm into the fresh air. Even a toe left behind is not a good thing. Trust me. 

“Bless me father for I have sinned. I cursed three times in the last week.”

Let’s make that 30 times because cursing is a little tricky. In my family, there were gateway curse words.

“Geez, you smell like a pig.”

Listen, you might actually smell like a pig, and I did live for a year on a pig farm and did smell like a pig, but “geez”? You guessed it, a slippery slope that begins with “geez” and inevitably ends with “Jesus.” A major violation with major consequences.

Mmmm . . . is that burnt toast or your future?

But then I started teaching cops about search and seizure, interrogations, and charging decisions. How do I hold the attention of a student who the night before class faced down a crazy husband who hit his wife? Or a cop who walked into an active burglary not knowing what to expect in the back room? Or a cop who approached a car on the side of the road unable to see what the driver grabbed under the seat?

A smart audience weary in body and world weary in spirit. 

So I started swearing. I knew that this was a cheap teacher trick. I knew that it was not creative. I knew the shock was double-edged in that it could grab their attention but it could also rebound negatively on me. But it worked. 

And my favorite curse word was one that sounded nothing like “foos” as in foosball.

“What the ‘foos’ were you thinking to give chase to that person merely because he ran?”

I liked the soft beginning and the hard guttural at the end. Short and sweet. And bracing.

No gods were invoked. No gender was slandered. No body part was emphasized. As the years passed, the word became innocent with my overuse. Almost a lazy “golly gee whiz.”  

And it started popping up in my everyday speech outside of the classroom.

“‘Foos me,” as I turned on the wrong street.

“That fooser,” I’d say to describe someone who displeased me.

“Foosing right,” I’d deliver with a high five. 

Then I went to the Netherlands. My word of choice had zero shock value. Old Dutch ladies, little kids, nuns — nope, the word was water off their backs. Foos meant nothing in that world. 

So foos disappeared from my vocabulary. But I discovered something far worse in that world. The word “kanker.”. You guessed it, “cancer.” The word makes a hardened Dutch criminal turn Delft blue. It is one of the very worst word in Dutch. Horrible to say. Horrible to even think. Nasty.

And you know what? It is the worst word.

Last night, I talked to another friend battling cancer. One of a growing list. How can this be? How can people live six or seven or eight decades in good health and then WHAM — cancer? Isn’t there a point where people get a free pass? Haven’t we all escaped car accidents, falling bricks from buildings, electrocution while doing home repair? Doesn’t our rewards card gives us a discount on cancer free zones?

Apparently not.

So, here’s what I have to say about that — foos cancer.

Bless me father for I have sinned . . . 

Joe

We are late, my friend and I. The doors to the hall at Hoyt Sherman Place are already closed. We can hear the murmur of voices as we rush up the stairs to the entrance. He and I are breathing hard and still sweaty from our noon workout.

We pull open the double doors with a whoosh and a bang. 

We stop. Jaws drop. Eyes widen.  

Hundreds of women. Row after row after row. Not a man in sight.

“In the majority of couples, men sit at the bottom of the seesaw when it comes to emotional competence.” Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger.

Of course we do. 

Harriet Lerner is moments from being introduced. Women are frowning and shaking their heads at the two of us. There we are — sweaty, late, standing in the middle of the aisle. Men.

We are definitely at the bottom of the seesaw, or perhaps something on the bottom of their shoe. 

We spot two empty seats toward the front.

Let’s pause for just a moment to wonder why I am at a Harriet Lerner lecture. It’s simple. I LOVE self-help books.

One of my earliest self-help books was Thirty Days to Better Spelling. I needed it. I’ve always been a rotten speller. And in just 30 days the book promised I could be a better speller. No small order. But this wasn’t about spelling alone. No way. A self-help book, no matter the subject matter, promises that you will get the girl or boy, be happy, and defeat death. 

Getting the girl or boy, being happy, and defeating death does not seem like a big ask. Right?

8 Weeks to Optimum Health, by Andrew Weil, says that his program will get you started in “building a lifestyle that will protect you from premature disability and death.” Mmmm . . . that’s a tough call: option 1 – premature disability and death; or option 2 – normal disability and death. But what if I want option 3 – NO disability and NO death?

Fortunately, we have Ellen Langer. Dr. Langer, in Counter Clockwise, found that giving the elderly autonomy to make decisions and responsibility over a plant (yes, a plant!) resulted in greater happiness and AFFECTED MORTALITY RATES. I love this! Dr. Langer goes on citing study after study suggesting we control our own illnesses, we control our own health, we control whether the Hawkeyes win or lose (okay, I made that last one up). 

But this is awesome!

Although, the dark underbelly of Dr. Langer’s theories is that if you die it’s your own fault for not controlling your death. The graveyard is apparently full of losers. Ouch. 

But, on a happier note, let’s not forget Paul McKenna of I Can Make You Thin fame. All diets are thrown out the door and you’re left with four simple rules — eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full, slow down and pay attention to your eating, eat only food you like. Wonderful. Particularly for someone like me who is always hungry, never full, and prefers french fries.

Which is why I eat french fries mindfully as directed by Thich Nhat Hanh in Peace is Every Step and Jon Kabat-Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living. Instead of going to some long weekend meditation retreat, I just order the large fries. Same same. 

Listen, my love of fries makes me sound less than perfect. And that’s okay, according to Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection. The gifts of imperfection, according to Dr. Brown, are “courage, compassion, and connection.” And, I’m sure she just forgot to add . . . “french fries.” 

Which, of course, gets us back to Harriet Lerner and her seminal book — The Dance of Anger. I think Harriet Lerner is brilliant. I think she is speaking to me in her book. I want to hear her in person. So does my friend. So we hustle to the two remaining seats in the auditorium

I sit. I give a quick nod to the woman at my right. The woman stares past me at my friend. 

“Hello,” she says to my friend.

Yup, you probably guessed it, the woman to my right, among a whole throng of anonymous, faceless women, is MY FRIEND’S EX-WIFE. I am not making this up. 

Amidst a sea of roiling, angry women.

Blood misting in the air.

A quick, merciful death the only hope.

I slump lower in my chair. 

Fortunately, I have other self-help skills. I’ve read Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. He recommends a four-part approach: observe what’s happening, what feelings result from this observation, what are my needs, and do I have a request. 

Okay, let’s give it a shot.

    1. I’m observing that we are going to be killed.

   2. I feel badly about dying in a riot of angry women.

   3. I need an escape.

   4. Can we go get french fries? 

So we do.

Self-help books and fries. Need I say more. 

Joe

The dull squish of knuckles against concrete rips up my arm, across my chest, and deep into my jaw. Every muscle in my body immediately hurts. My vision dims. I am done. 

All the students of the school are watching. My fellow classmates of the last eight years are watching. Eric Heintz, my teacher, is watching.

I have nothing to give them.

Moments before I had positioned myself directly over three concrete blocks stacked on top of each other. I had focused, focused, focused, . . . and let loose with a mighty yell as I punched downwards. The result? A dull thud, no breaking concrete, just bloodied knuckles.

Failure.

How did I get in this predicament?

The old gym at the YWCA in downtown Des Moines is slick with sweat. Not a good thing as you’re marching up and down doing side kicks and front kicks and roundhouse kicks.

Sweat and bare feet and zero balance is a deadly combination for me. Add a polished gym floor, and I spend a fair amount of time being helped up by someone half my age. However, my kicks tonight are awesome. Sure, they are about three inches off the ground, but if I ever have an attacker who grovels at my feet, watch out. 

You guessed it, I am not a natural at this. 

This is Tai Kwon Do. It was 1982. Des Moines, Iowa. My friend, Liza Ovrom, employed in the Attorney General’s office, was training in Tai Kwon Do. She was taking a class from a guy who also worked in the AG’s office and who actually headed up the DOT division. I too worked in the AG’s office and joined at Liza’a encouragement. While my wife, also in the AG’s office, joined a year or so later. Clearly, the AG’s office was a feeder program for the martial arts. Who knew. 

The long-haired, angular-faced man at the front of the gym was our teacher, Eric Heintz. Calm, patient, and deadly. At least that’s what we all thought. “Mr. Heintz,” we honorifically called him back before he rose in the ranks to earn the further title of “Master,” and later when he became a Zen Buddhist priest and was called “Tetsugen.”

He taught us all Tae Kwon Do. He taught us how to fight and how to break boards and how to defend ourselves. He taught us a multitude of advanced combinations involving kicking and punching. He taught us to take a hit and to fall and to smack the heavy bag so hard it tore down the middle. 

And we kept our part of the bargain. We kicked and yelled and spun and grappled and flew through the air. We learned. 

But what Mr. Heintz really taught was belief. 

“Joe, go teach Tae Kwon Do in Indianola.” 

Really? I’m not good enough.

But I did. Because he thought I could.

“Joe, enter this tournament and compete in fighting.”

Are you sure? I’m not strong enough. 

 I did. Because he thought I could.

“Joe, put on a Tai Kwon Do demonstration in downtown Des Moines.”

Ummm . . . are you sure? I’m not talented enough.

Yup, you guessed it, I did. Because he thought I could.

You can break these boards, you can spin in the air, you can do these kicks, and, as a result your standards change — you can raise your kids right, you can do good work, you can be a good husband, you can, you can, you can . . .

And we all did. Each and every one of his students felt his hand gently at their back. 

Eric Heintz believed in us. He prepared us. He taught us what needed to be done and then gave us the push to go do it.

His belief forced us to believe. A gift beyond measure. 

And now I stare at the three blocks for a second time. I look at Mr. Heintz. He smiles with complete assurance and gives me a nod. What the hell. I pull my arm back. Give a ferocious yell. And . . .

Eric Heintz talked to me a few years ago after retiring from teaching because of health issues. 

“Each of us is going to have pain and each of us is going to die. It is just a question of how you want to spend your time. It may be a matter of minutes or longer. Nobody has any assurances. But, do you want to spend your time saying, ‘I’m really hurting’? Or can you let go of the absolute need to have something solid under your feet and be a happy, fulfilled person?”

Even in poor health, there was a lesson. 

The other day I heard the whisper. Three former Tai Kwon Do students, three of my old friends:

“Eric Heintz died, have you heard?” 

. . . and the three concrete blocks shattered. 

Joe

Becoming an old man takes years of work. Trust me. You can’t just wake up one day and proclaim, “I am an old man.” That won’t get you the old-man certificate or even an introductory visit to the old-man clubhouse.

And even if you do declare yourself an old man, the definition seems to be a moving target. I grew up in the 1960’s. The mantra coming out of the peace and civil rights demonstrations during that time was “don’t trust anyone over 30.” Yup, you were already over the hill by 30. Thirty-one and you’re an old man. 

I don’t think so. 

On the other hand, today there is a book titled — 70 is the new 40. Does that make 40 the new 10?   

Again, not likely.

And then there is Sam the Barber. Sam Reese ran the barbershop on 42nd Street and University Avenue from the beginning of time.  

“Aging is a journey that many don’t experience. They were born old and they die old.” 

Sam is 80. He was always philosophical about life, but has only become more so as the years have passed.   

“Unfortunately, living a specific number of years is not the real gauge of ‘old.’ You are not old because you are not as handsome, or because your step is challenged, or because you have a different body ache daily,” says the handsome, lithe Sam the Barber.

Really? Old is all in your head? 

“It’s kind of crazy! I don’t see ME in the mirror. When I see a photo, I just say I’m not photogenic anymore.”

Then what is old, Sam?

“You are old when you can’t physically and mentally enjoy how wonderful life was when you fell in LOVE!”

Lord help me. And, by the way, Sam the Barber is a kindred spirit of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, a Nobel Prize winner in literature:

“To all, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.”

My oh my.  

Then there are those who believe that age is measured by a certain amount of loss. Loss of hearing, sight, bone and muscle. Loss of clear thinking  and memory. Loss of friends and society.   

That seems a bit of a downer.

Dr. Alfried Laengle argues that old age occurs when one is able to turn away from all the loss and turn inward and discover the unchartered territory of the inner world:

Ellyn Lym argues in the Washington Post that we become happier as we age:

“Research also has noted that the majority of people worldwide become happier as they age, perhaps because they accept inevitable changes that occur over time and develop appreciation for the good that remains in their lives.”

So maybe the happier you are, the older you are?

COVID-19 has provided all sorts of lines in the sand when it comes to age. The CDC says:

“In general, your risk of getting severely ill from COVID-19 increases as you get older. In fact, 8 out of 10 COVID-19-related deaths reported in the United States have been among adults aged 65 years and older.”

Sixty-four years and 364 days old and you’re safe. One more day? You might as well pack it in. I guess that’s old age during a pandemic. 

So, what is truly old age?

Got me. 

Although I do remember my grandpa at 94. He shaved every day. I know because I lived with him for a time. He would lower the suspenders attached to his pants, take his ironed shirt off, uncover his union suit, and shave with a straight razor sharpened on a leather strap. Talk about living on a razor’s edge.

I would watch this routine over a cup of coffee as I sat at the kitchen table waiting to call 911. Hopefully they would arrive in time to reattach an ear or a nose. But he never did slice anything off. To my amazement. 

My grandpa was an old farmer who didn’t miss planting and harvesting and caring for livestock. He passed his retirement watching the Kentucky Derby and ogling women. Oh, yes, and shaving with a straight razor. He finally died at 98.

Was he old? Depends on your definition. Did he give it a moment’s worry?

Nope.

Joe

The boxwood stump, buried by leaves, snagged my dragging foot and landed me face first in the soft ground. Ker-plop. No fanfare. No discussion. And certainly no dissent on the part of my lightening quick reflexes. Just . . . bang. 

So here I am in the leaves. Observing the world from a new perspective, low to the ground.

When I was young and fell down, I laughed, picked myself up, and hurried on to the next fun event. Now when I fall, I find myself going through a check list: right arm — not broken; left wrist — bruised; head — shaken but still on. You get the idea.

I’m in no rush to get up today. I turn over on my back and look at the blue Iowa sky.

Perhaps I need a makeover? Something that shouts out I am still alive? What about a new hot car???

“Several studies have shown that appearance is the most significant factor when making a first impression. The vehicle one drives contributes as much to appearance as attire or hairstyle. A car is more than just a mode of transportation for some; it is an extension of the driver’s image.” Jeffrey Harper, writing for Hotcars. 

But cars have never been my friend. No matter how shiny and bright, they have been fickle companions at best. Sometimes reliable, usually not. And cars go out of their way to hurt me. I have the distinction of being hit by cars while on my bike in three different states and over three different decades of my life. Cars must communicate with each other when I cross the state line — “There’s Joe. Run him over.”  

Let’s take a brief tour of cars I’ve owned. There was the Toyota Corolla with three million miles on it. The roof was caved in. The front passenger door didn’t properly close. And the gas gauge was unreliable. Oh, yeah, and the gas tank leaked. It was a gem of a car. I still recall running out of gas on the 42nd Street bridge over I-235. Three kids in the back seat. A gas station in the distance. And, unbeknownst to me, my wife driving past on I-235 wondering what that pitiful guy was doing up on the overpass with three kids hanging out the back windows. Once the harsh reality hit home — HER husband and HER kids — it turned into one of those moments where the marriage could have gone either way.

Or the old Ford Taurus my wife was driving in West Des Moines when the engine collapsed onto the front axle. No kidding. The engine just let loose. The tires were turned at the time, so she could still move the car. But only in a circle.

Then there was the Toyota van that had no heating on the front passenger side, resulting in a small ice rink beneath the passenger’s frozen feet on blustery winter days. A feature you can’t find much these days . . . a passenger seat that doubles as a meat locker. 

Love affair with cars? I don’t think so. 

But yesterday, I had a car to sell. My daughter’s. A sporty little Toyota Scion with a spoiler, moon roof, and quick acceleration. I know these car facts because my daughter is living overseas and I’m in charge of the sale and had to drive the car to get it out of storage. 

As you have probably gathered, my stable of cars has always leaned towards bulky, hard to handle, and license plates that say “LOSR#1.”

I touched my daughter’s gas pedal and found myself a block down the road. Like that. ZIP. I turned a corner. BAM. It hugged the road so tight the breath whooshed out of my lungs and I shouted, “Yippee!” I don’t think I’ve ever shouted “yippee” in my life. No one with half a brain shouts yippee. 

“Yippee!” I shouted again as I rounded another corner. 

Why didn’t anyone tell me? 

Sport cars are fun. Sport cars are a carnival ride. Sport cars are me.

So I said to my wife: “Look, this is the real me. Fast and loose and wild.”

My wife emitted an unpleasant guffawing sound. 

I persisted, “Sure, it’s an old man cliche, but I was born to drive a sport car.”

My wife took a breath. 

She patiently explained to me that I didn’t fit in my daughter’s car. My body was too long for that little space. Even with my head two inches into the moonroof, there was still a couple of inches that had nowhere to go. I was driving almost laying down on my back, barely able to see out the front.

“So?”

But that is how love affairs die. 

Today my sports car is sold. I am driving a large, bulky car with license plates that say “LOSR#1.” 

Makeover of Joe? Not so much. 

And now here I am looking at the fallen leaves, low to the ground, wondering how to get up.

Mmmmm . . . maybe I should get a tattoo?

 Joe

The first time I saw him I was sitting high up in a balcony overlooking 800 people. Young college students all of us. Noisy, flirting, unsure of ourselves. The unkempt and the uncomfortably tidy. We were all a mess after being kicked out of the nest. This discombobulation was frightening for some, a relief for others, and more than a few thinking they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It didn’t matter.

The front of the room exploded, all college angst immediately vanished, and out stepped a fireball of a man. Jay Holstein.

Not a big physical presence. Not a deep commanding voice. No threat of violence. But . . . more than all that.

Holstein was raw, unfiltered, with zero intellectual boundaries. We were spellbound in our little wooden seats as he challenged every thought we’d ever had about life, death, how to live, morality, good and bad, courage, honesty.

“YOU HAVE TO THINK FOR YOURSELVES!”

Smack — he’d shoot down this notion. Pop — he’d knock down that idea. Boom — out with the bath water and the proverbial baby. Especially the proverbial baby. 

Our mouths hung open. We sweated through our shirts. Time stopped. We were transformed.

It was like watching a cage fight in the front of the room. Holstein vs. Holstein. Who would walk away alive?

My oh my.

I loved it.

And Rabbi Jay Holstein has done this for 50 years. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of students at the University of Iowa. All under the auspices of the School of Religion. But, frankly, the title of all his classes could be “Living Life 101.”

My time with Holstein was all the above. I took every course he ever taught and then some independent studies he made up. It was a riot. And it affected all my thoughts afterwards.

For example, when I was in Court thirty years later, the judge said, “Mr. Weeg, do you have any response to defense counsel’s highly persuasive argument?”

Of course I didn’t.

But I stood and said: “May it please the Court, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you ever heard of the Epic of Gilgamesh?”

Pure Holstein.

But my real School of Holstein was on the blacktop road on the backside of the Coralville Reservoir. 

We ran together. Multiple times a week. We started with 10 mile runs and soon were pushing 15. Of course, road races and marathons followed. You want to run 26.2 miles? Why not?

But all this running had nothing to do with running, just like his classes had nothing to do with the title of the class.

How should I live? How does one have courage? What does honesty really mean? How do I deal with dying? And, in my own case, what is there left to believe when cancer is killing your dying father?

Oh, yes, and women. Jay was worried that my lack of knowledge would disadvantage me in this area. So he spoke of love and responsibility and respect. And there was that lecture he earnestly began with, “Joe, do you know the most important part of female anatomy?” 

Education doesn’t get any better. 

All this as we slugged out mile after mile. Physical exhaustion opening mental and emotional possibilities. 

A gift from heaven.

And then we’d go back to the old Rec Building and take a sauna and drink Mountain Dew, which was like crack cocaine after all that dehydration. And usually Holstein would utter his favorite phrase I’d previously heard only on the carnival: “Joe, you pay your money and take your chance.” Meaning, life is risky, but you gotta choose. 

Well, Holstein paid his money, he taught students for 50 years how to live life honorably. But what did he win at the end of the day? What is the big payout? Where is Vanna White and the new car? 

And, by the way, who did win the cage fight at the front of the room?

That’s easy . . . we won.  

Joe

“Joe, this is going to hurt.”

No kidding. I lie on my back trying to visualize a white sand beach with crystal blue water and a cabana worker offering an ice-cold beverage in an oversized glass.

Instead, my go-to visualization usually involves buying a footlong hotdog with extra mustard from the grill-guy outside Hy Vee. A good visualization, of course, but not very helpful when it comes to side-stepping something unpleasant. 

“So you’re going to need to just suck it up,” says Kristina Foster, my physical therapist at Unity Point Health Physical Therapy, West Des Moines, as she pushes me into the edges of pain.

I worship Kristina. She is my link to recovery. She promises to help me walk again after knee surgeries, and, perhaps more importantly, she will make it so I can continue my lucrative career as a male model.

Okay, I made up that “model” part, but she really is my pathway to learning how to climb the basement stairs without ropes or a spotter. 

And, yes, even though I’m the guy that eats pain for breakfast, Kristina knows the truth about me. At my first session I was on the therapy table as Kristina, all masked up, explained the rules.

“Joe, as I straighten your leg, just tap out if it gets to be too much.”

I tapped.

“I haven’t started yet,” Kristina said with a frown.

So, who knew? 

Today, Kristina bends my right knee closer and closer to my thigh while, yes, small tears form in the corner of my eye.

Ouch!

Kristina is correct. Pain does suck. 

But, then again, aren’t stories with a little pain the best stories we share with each other?

For example, years ago my oldest boy ran off the playing field in high school and dramatically slid onto the wooden bench next to his coach. The slide was flamboyant youthful energy with a dash of teenage devil-may-care. I loved it. But the story only endures because, in his slide, my son embedded a two-inch splinter into his butt so deep that my wife and I had to take him to the emergency room to get it out. Now that’s a story to be told and retold to his wife and daughter.  

Or what about when I was riding on the front handle bars of my friend’s bike in the fourth grade? My pants were so baggy (when everyone was wearing tight jeans like they are today) that they curled up into the spokes and flipped me face-first onto the pavement. Voila, one chipped tooth. It’s a good story that underscores my complete lack of any fashion sense. And pain? Front and center.

And that naturally leads into the dramatic “fly eating” story. One day I promised my three kids that I was going to catch a fly in my mouth as it buzzed around the kitchen. 

“You can’t catch that fly,” they all shouted with glee. 

“Hah, I spit on your doubts.” And I launched myself high into the air as the fly flew over the refrigerator. 

Of course, the fly lived to raise a large family, but my non-chipped front tooth caught the top of the refrigerator on my return flight to the ground. And now I have a matching set of chipped teeth and a great story. All because of a little pain. 

“Pain is perceived in the brain.” Kristina patiently explains as I lie on the table whimpering. “Pain is a perception of a stimulus to your body. And so sometimes there are other factors playing into pain like stress, anxiety, or fear.”

“Or how about something is just flat out painful?” I mumble face-down on the therapy table. 

“Obviously there is something physical to pain — we call it a noxious stimulus. A stimulus to the body that is not normal. We need to treat the noxious stimulus. We need to treat the tight muscle or the bone that is out of place. We also need to address the other factors so that you can perceive the stimulus as not quite as painful.” 

So, Kristina, what’s in this job for you?

“I love getting to know people. I love hearing their stories. I love hearing about their family. And it’s fascinating how much that plays into their therapy. So, the joy is that.”

But then your patients all leave you, don’t they?

“Of course, the joy is also when people are done. As much as I love them, I love when they say, ‘I’m pleased as punch.’ Or ‘I’m back running.’ Or ‘I can finally go up and down the stairs when I haven’t done that in a year.’ The joy of seeing people accomplish their goals is exciting.”

Kristina gives my knee another push.

Ow!

“By the way, I know what it’s like to be in pain. I know what it is to be sad. I don’t judge my patients.”

Lucky for me.

“Now this is going to hurt.”

Joe

We sit on the bench. Both of us mouths open, heads leaned back, eyes wide. Glazed donuts melting in our hands as we watch. Clearly, no parent is in charge of the two of us. We grab a second donut before the show really begins. 

BIG TREE CUTTING. . . starring tree cutters and a crane operator and a cast of thousands. 

Alex Wickett is my buddy for the day. We sit six feet apart in distance and fifty-three years apart in age. He’s too young and inexperienced and I’m too old and banged up. So we’re benched. 

We are sitting together because Alex’s grandfather, John Fogwell, is high up in the tree. He’s harnessed in with ropes. He has tools strapped to his waist. Both boots are cleated and sunk deep into the bark. A chainsaw dangles from his belt, which he periodically grabs to cut off 3000-pound chunks of tree. His sweat is all that falls without ropes.

I want to yell up and ask whether he sees any pirates on the horizon. Alex would appreciate that. But I need a few more years on me before I can be comfortable with such hilarious humor.

The other person we watch is the crane operator. He has threaded his crane between flower beds and drainage tiles and bushes, planted the stabilizers on giant wooden blocks, and slowly telescoped the crane high above the tallest trees. He carefully lifts off the the cut portion and slowly maneuvers it to the ground to put it to bed in a large flatbed trailer. It is a dance involving enormous weights, spinning cables, and deft, small movements of the operator’s hands. 

In other words, it’s magic.

“I’m actually afraid of heights,” I tell Alex between donuts. 

I didn’t really know I was afraid of heights until I was up on top of my old two-story house trying to repair a few shingles. I did the repair and then froze. In total terror. I couldn’t get down. I couldn’t move forwards or back. I wanted to cry. My only question — could they send a helicopter? 

Clay Grubb was my neighbor back then. He worked for the post office. Quiet and unassuming. He moved with grace and laughed easily, but I never saw him put on a cape or reference his superpowers. Not once. 

Clay saw me frozen high on the roof. He began talking to me in his soft, unassuming voice.      

“Joe, are you all right?”

I scream that I’m seconds from screaming.

“Joe, put your left hand back a few inches.” 

“Good,” Clay says encouragingly when he sees that this is going to be a long day.

“Now slide your right knee back a few inches.”

“Great.”

And so it went from right to left until I was at the ladder. Clay did it. Then he got me onto the ladder. Yahoo. Then he got me off the roof. Amazing. And then he got me home safely. Cancel the helicopter.  

The crane operator, Kendel Laughman, leans back in his cushioned seat shaped like a World War II cockpit and slowly lifts the the top of the tree high into the blue. He gazes out the open skylight cut in the roof of the cab. The damage from the storm is already done. Most streets are passable. Power is on. Today all he needs to do is take a tree off a roof without tearing a hole in the house or ripping up the shingles or dropping the tree on anyone. Piece of cake.

So, Kendel, isn’t this dangerous?

“Common sense goes a long way.” Kendel smiles.

Really?

“Listen, I have one goal in my job, at the end of the day I want everyone to go home safe.”

Amen to that.

I go back and sit with Alex.

“I don’t like going up in a Ferris wheels,” Alex volunteers.

Of course, who does?

Alex and I take another donut. 

Joe

The tree rests comfortably on the roof. Nonchalantly, really. Not a care in the world. Might as well be in a pushed-back recliner with feet up. Perhaps a cigar would be in order. Or at least one of those new cocktails that are so popular at the local bars. It would seem only right that the tree should be able to smoke and drink and tell tall tales.

Tales about life on the long-ago Urbandale dairy farm where the tree provided shade to the cows and the dairy farmer, for example. Or maybe something about the clanging streetcars that rolled up Urbandale Avenue to the roundabout just a block away before heading back downtown in the opposite direction. Or maybe it could tell of the three old sisters who lived in this house with a large garden and a few secret rooms and who passed on years ago, living lives with little fanfare and no complaints.

How did our tree get in this predicament?

Suddenly for sure.

We all lived the story. The wind whipped ferociously. The trees swayed dangerously. And there was a roar that sounded loudly. Derecho, the storm was called, sounding much like a gunslinger from a Western movie.

Our tree could only take so much. It did its very best. But at last it bent at the knees and rested on the roof.

Take a load off. Relax. 

To sit here on the roof is a great way to see the City hustle around as it cleans up all the debris and repairs all the downed power lines. And this tree has stared at this roof for over 80 years. And now here it is. Up close and personal. At last.

So stay awhile.

When this tree was middle-aged, I was a Religion major at the University of Iowa. I wanted to study death and dying and how one should live their life. Religion seemed to be the ticket. The fact that I wasn’t much of a believer didn’t matter for this quest. 

My dad was dying of a brain tumor during this time. A steady stream of bad news over three years as he lost all his functions while the family constantly adjusted to care for him. A hard time.

What was not helpful during this three years was well-meaning people who would pat me on the back, look me directly in the eye, and say: “When God closes a door, he opens a window.” As I helped my dad with the most basic functions such as going to the bathroom or taking a shower, I failed to see the window and wanted to show the giver of such good advice the door. Perhaps that is what the quote actually means. Who knows? Even today when I hear someone give this advice, I appreciate the kindness, I truly do, but I fight the strong desire to poke myself in the eye. 

But what did happen from this experience was EXPERIENCE. My dad’s dying became the mantra for facing adversity. It became a measuring stick.

So if one of my kids was crying all night with an ear infection, that was bad. Was it like taking care of my dying dad? Hah! Not even close.

And once a defense lawyer was upset with me in a murder trial, called me a racist. The next day that quote was in the newspaper. Was this even remotely like lifting my limp father from his chair to his bed every day? Get serious.

Financial loss, marital spats, disappointments, thwarted ambitions . . . all worse than seeing my father slowly disappear? Please.

Now a tree on the roof? Hah! Not even in the ballpark. 

So the tree sits on my roof, languidly enjoying the view, as the Iowa summer turns into fall.

And me? I raise a glass — to the tree and to my dad. 

Joe