My oldest son texted the other day congratulating my wife and me on our wedding anniversary.

Happy 43rd!! You two are such an inspiration across the ages.

Lovely sentiment. And I love that “across the ages” feels like a charcoal tombstone rubbing. It’s never too soon to start thinking about epitaphs for us old folks. Unfortunately, I’m fairly certain we’ve inspired, let’s see . . . absolutely no one.

But my son’s words gave me pause. So I went out to shovel snow, a well-known activity for deep thinking. And I began to think deeply about my marriage, or as deeply as one who wears elastic-waist pants can think.

And these are my thoughts. 

As for our inspiring marriage, it is inspiring. It is so inspiring that I did a little research on what makes a good marriage. Here’s what the University of Rochester Medical Center said:

Marriage therapist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., has found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are serious threats to a marriage. The more a couple engages in these destructive activities, the more likely they are to divorce. His decades of research and of working with couples have shown that spouses who stay together know how to fight without being hostile and to take responsibility for their actions. content.aspx

Hah! Get real. We’re talking two married lawyers here. Folks, our bread and butter is criticism and contempt. And we try to only fight with hostility — otherwise, what’s the point?

Here’s an example barely two-hours old. I express to my wife my worry about the living situation of my ancient mother. My wife’s response is to point out that I am in this pickle because I’ve enabled my mother for a lifetime. Of course, my wife’s hostile response is factually spot on. So what? Do I take responsibility? Please, in what fantasy world do you live? Instead, I blame my wife for being unhelpful. Yup, criticism by her and contempt by me. Check and check. 

Lord, should we be talking about who gets the dog?

Okay, fine, what about compatible zodiac signs? My wife is a Taurus and I’m a Leo. Perhaps this is our secret to a long marriage. Brides.com says:

Tauruses and Leos might have a hard time. Leos need a lot of attention, compliments, and ego bolstering. Tauruses will not give them the attention they seek, choosing to get attention in their own way. Leos also like to get their way, while Tauruses want to be the one in control of the relationship. least-compatible-zodiac-signs

Ouch! Not only is this surprisingly accurate about our personalities, but it is another vote for modifying traditional marriage vows — “until death, or sometime much sooner, do us part.”  

Okay, one last gasp. How about that we both worked as lawyers? You know, two peas in a pod. A shared interest. Shop talk in the kitchen. That’s got to count for something. The Telegraph reports that it does count for something: 

Workers should never marry someone in same profession because couples with very different careers have a better work-life balance, psychologists claim. Partners-in-same-professions-have-worse-work-life-balance.html

Wow! We are a wreck of a marriage. Forty-three years of pure garbage. Our marriage is a superfund site. Oh no! 

But what about that horrible three-letter word . . . FUN? (I know what your gutter mind thought, and that works too.) 

WE JUST HAVE FUN! And fun isn’t found just at the footlong hot dog at the Iowa State Fair. It’s found at the back of a prairie cemetery somewhere off I-80 in Nebraska while driving back to Iowa. We are tossing a frisbee for Charlie the Dog to stretch his legs. We are laughing with pure delight as the frisbee flies, and Charlie runs, and we run after him. Just nonsense. But fun nonsense.

Or fun is found this last year somewhere in France, where we have gotten off a train with our heavy packs and are leaning with our backs against a fountain, exhausted. We look at each other wondering if we can continue these European adventures as we age. And then we laugh, realizing in our deepest hearts that what is enjoyable is doing this together. Who cares how old we are? We can have fun sitting in rockers on a porch. Especially if French fries are served. See, fun. 

Or fun is this Christmas and we are up in the early morning having coffee together, while our youngest and her partner are asleep in the spare bedroom, our middle son is asleep in the den, and our oldest son and his partner are asleep in the basement, all together for the first time since 2017. Charlie the Dog is barking furiously outside. Lily the Cat is vomiting on some rug somewhere. And we both realize it doesn’t get any better than this. We smile. That is fun.

That’s all l’ve got. No words of wisdom for a long marriage. No secret recipe. No 10-step program. I do love a bromide more than the average person, but even I don’t have a magic pill. Sorry.

So . . . superfund site or super-fun site? As the carnival barker says: “You pay your money and you take your chance.” 

Joe