“Amsterdam has always been an open and international city, and we would love to welcome visitors as soon as possible . . . But the right visitors.” Geerte Udo, chief executive of amsterdam&partners, speaking to DutchNews.nl during the relative peace in the city created by the coronavirus restrictions.

Dear Ms. Udo:

You don’t know me, but I read of your recent concerns about the type of tourists who visit Amsterdam. I totally understand. However, I think we could come to an arrangement that would be good for both of us. Before you say no, let me explain.

My wife and I have a small, get-away house just outside of Mingo, Iowa — in the middle of a cornfield, if you can believe that. We don’t get condoms or needles thrown from tourists in our front yard, but we do get blowing corn stalks. More tractors and grain trucks travel the gravel road in front of our house than high-powered sports cars. In fact I’ve never once seen a high-powered sports car.  And the loud party noises we hear late at night don’t come from a drunken pack of young English and German men, but from a gang of coyotes on the other side of the ridge. And for entertainment in the winter, rather than going to the Red Light District, I wrap myself in a homemade quilt and usually read a romance involving a pirate.

“Wild and Crazy” is not tattooed anywhere on my body. 

And even without windmills or canals or Dutch flowers, I love this tiny spot in Iowa. 

And the people who live out here, our neighbors? They bring their tractors and shovel our driveway. They gift us with parsnips from their gardens, morels from their woods, and cherry pies, when we’re lucky. We need help with mowing? They are ready with their big mowers. Someone to cut down a tree? They push while we saw. Trouble with plumbing on a below-zero night? They hold the flashlight down the dark well.

You can see the problem right away. Mingo is out of sync with the hard-bit, unfriendly America of today. Mingo has way too much neighborliness, kindness, and we’re-all-in-this together nonsense.    

Clearly, Mingo, Iowa, is just not mean enough for today’s divisive America. This has to change, which is why I write.

But first, you have a problem. You are wrestling with how to return to the Amsterdam of canals and history and quiet, cobblestone lanes. You don’t want the hordes of partiers that urinate in your streets. You don’t want the congestion and drunken and drugged behavior. You prize tolerance but don’t want your culture destroyed in the name of freedom. I get it.

Amsterdam wants the right people. Mingo needs the wrong people. There you go. A match made in heaven. You ship the “wrong people” to Iowa and we’ll take them off your hands. Free of charge. Once they arrive at your city, bleary eyed and half drunk, bundle them up, put a stamp on their forehead, and we’ll pick them up at the Mingo post office. Everyone’s happy. 

Although I confess there is a minor wrinkle with this plan.  

Mingo might turn the wrong people into the right people. Maybe when the wrong people can’t disappear into a horde of reckless young men, their boldness might become a little bit meek under the concerned gaze of the Mingo librarian. Or maybe when the bitter Iowa winters turns public urination into a flash-freeze experience, it is less likely to happen twice. Or maybe those young men won’t be so keen about leering at anonymous women in windows when they find they can talk to a woman with a name who’s actually looking for a little conversation and a laugh at the Mingo Greencastle Tavern.

But the way I see it, Mingo becomes more mean and mainstream or the wrong people become civil. 

Win-win.

I even have a branding, your forte, already picked out. You have the wonderful “I AMSTERDAM.” What about this: I’MINGO.

Using your ideas, I think this could be the promotional lead-in for the I’MINGO ad campaign in just five slides and some slow guitar music  . .  .

I’M IN SADNESS. Picture of drunken tourist stumbling into a canal in Amsterdam.

I’M IN SEARCH. Picture of a tourist kneeling in front of the Old Church at the foot of the Red Light District praying for guidance

I’M IN HOPE. Picture of young man walking away from his vomiting friends on Dam Square and towards a departing train.

I’M IN LOVE. Picture of young man and young woman holding hands while walking down a country road.

I’MINGO! Fireworks over this small Iowa town.

Let me know if it’s a go. 

Sincerely yours, 

Joe