Dear subscriber: this is an article for Cityview’s April Fool’s issue. Some quotes may be fictional. Okay, one quote is fictional. But, trust me, not any of the quotes from Donald Trump.

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime. They’re rapists and some, I assume, are good people, but I speak to border guards and they’re telling us what we’re getting.” Donald Trump, speech announcing his candidacy.

“I would build a Great Wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border and I will have Mexico pay for that wall, mark my words.” Donald Trump, speech announcing his candidacy.

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on.” Donald Trump, talking about himself in the third person, The Washington Post.

“I have black guys counting my money. … I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day.” Donald Trump, U.S.A. Today.

“Who the fuck knows? I mean, really, who knows how much the Japs will pay for Manhattan property these days?” Donald Trump, Time.

“You have to treat ’em like shit.” Donald Trump referring to women, New York magazine.

Wow, let’s see, Mexicans, African-Americans, Jews, Muslims, Japanese, women. The list is so long, I’m afraid it has finally happened. We are running out of groups to hate. Sure, I know, hate is popular right now, but there is only so much to go around. It comes in a limited supply, folks, and we are consuming it faster than it is produced. So be warned. The shortage is upon us, and there is no one standing up lobbying the Iowa Utilities Board for a pipeline of hate across Iowa. As a result, we’re running dry, folks.

So we have to act quickly to save hate. And it’s up to us to solve this problem. As John F. Kennedy said, “It’s not what the country can do for you, it’s who you can hate.”

Before we get started on this hate search, let me be clear, this shortage is not our fault. Like global warming, it is just part of the natural earth cycle. But there is a realistic fear here: if we run out of others to hate, we might start turning inward and start hating our sons and daughters. Well, except for Donald Trump, he still wants to date his daughter.

But as we begin this search, don’t start getting all moralistic and whiny. This is something we can solve. From the beginning of time, we always chose a group or groups we don’t like based on “age, race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, religion, or disability.” Sure, Iowa law tries to give some protection to those very groups — well, less so for gender identity, as we recently saw — but, come on, this is our go-to hate list. And, frankly, it’s just the history of the world. It’s the way it goes. And trust me, you don’t want to find yourself on the wrong side of this list. Duh.

So what to do?

Well, I was hoping a historical approach might give us some answers to this hate shortage. Perhaps an analysis of how other groups in the past figured out who to hate.

Bingo. The one variable I see repeated time and again is the haters telling the world that the group to hate is stealing and killing babies. Look it up. Nazis said this about the Jews. Serbs said this about the Bosnians. Kuwaitis said this about the Iraqis. Catholics said this about the Muslims. And everyone said this about the Roma. And if that isn’t enough hate to go around, the hated group is then accused of eating the babies. I’m not lying. And the newest variation of this theme? Selling the “aborted babies” for research. My oh my.

Of course, it’s all hogwash, but is it instructive?

Not as helpful as you’d think. It tells us how to talk about the hated group, but not how to identify them. Listen, it’s good to know what to say next time we hate someone, but it doesn’t solve our hate-group deficit.

Then I stumbled upon the answer. I decided to look for the dominant trait of a prospective hated group. It doesn’t take a Donald Trump to see that the hated group is somehow weaker — politically, economically, socially, maybe even historically. Under this analysis, it is just nature’s story about the school yard bully. Survival of the meanest. Target the weaker individual and hate.

But we live in a brave new world, folks. The weak are not so weak. You know what I mean. Not so long ago, you beat up the hated kid, all your buddies patted you on the back, and you went off and spent the poor schmuck’s lunch money. Not anymore.Today, your righteous use of hate is being recorded on someone’s iPhone or by the Hy Vee parking lot video or a camera on an officer’s vest. And you’re screwed. Unfairly, of course. You know what happened to Ray Rice, the Baltimore Ravens football player. Yup, caught on video knocking out his fiancée in the elevator after we had all come to his defense just the day before. Egg on our face. Not a good day for hating the victim when that video was released.

But there is a lesson here. We need to pick on someone we can beat up. Someone who won’t videotape our nonsense. And someone who we can ultimately accuse of stealing and eating our babies.

Mmmmm . . . .

The answer’s obvious — we need to hate puppies.

And maybe cats. Although, cats scare me just a little.

Whew. National crisis averted. Hate is again safe.

Joe